Ask Love Coach

Q: Anna asks:

We have been married for three years and this has gone on since. I never know when or for how long, he finally told me that his ex who he was for 8 yrs had them same "complaints” as he calls my concerns, he really doesn’t have a reason to offer me. When we are emotionally connected its great but for no apparent reason he leaves emotionally. I have tried discussing this with him, writing my feelings to offer to do anything to prevent this from happening again but I get no real answer We went to counseling tried 3 different ones trying to find one that wouldn’t come to the conclusion that he is an emotional cripple what can be done. I’ve been told my counselors that i need to accept this and not take it personally or leave the marriage because the pain is destroying me. Do you have any ideas for me.

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Anna, your husband leaves emotionally when the two of you get too close. Perhaps not too close for you - but for some reason too close for him. Don’t try to figure out what you can do to make him not go away. Short of keeping your distance at all times, nothing you do will make a difference.

Well, that is not exactly right. There are many things you can do to make this situation better, but nothing that you can naturally come up with will work. Being nicer,
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Q: Genoveve asks: 

Hi, Rinatta. How does the person who asks for time alone in a relationship make sure that they don’t start feeling insecure during their time out? I can see how questions such as “is my partner unhappy because I want this time to myself?” or ”is he/she going to leave me because I don’t want to be with her/him all the time?” can storm someone’s mind… In other words, how do I ask for and take time alone in a relationship, feel good about it, and help my partner feel good about it?

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Genoveve, the best, most healthy, relationships have plenty of together time and also plenty of alone time. However, most people don’t know this. Even if they feel the need for space from their loved one intuitively, they are not comfortable asking for and taking the alone time. Let me tell you, though, that a relationship without alone time will eventually disintegrate because of an accumulation of resentments because of lack of space from each other.

The steps to successfully taking alone time in a relationship are as follows:

1. Know you and your partner need time away from each other and start to talk about this with your partner.

2. When discussing time alone with your partner, emphasize how important the time together is for you and how taking time away from each other will make the time together even better.
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