Ask Love Coach

Q: Nancy asks:

Hi Rinatta. If you are feeling love for someone and it feels bad or painful (although in your heart you know its the right thing for yourself for the development of your being), how do you know you are progressing into the good? How do you know ‘work’ is getting done?

A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:

Dear Nancy, the answer is three-fold. First of all, how you know work is getting done is that the situation either becomes more of what you want or that you are happier and more at peace regardless of the situation.

Second, work does not get done by itself. You have to do the emotional work, or emotional growing, intentionally, or it does not get done. And you can use the relationship to help you do the work, to be your practice ground, and that is one of the things relationships are great for.

Third, in our culture people who want to feel good all the time, and run from pain and hard emotional work. On the other hand, we have a subset of people who believe that emotional work and relationships are only valid and worth having if there is pain. The reality of life is that not all pain is necessary, and that if you do indeed want to grow in a relationship or in a relational dimension, you don’t necessarily need to be in pain and it does not necessarily need to be hard all of the time. In fact, one way you know you are growing emotionally is that you are able to feel deeper joy more of the time.

I wonder if this is a dating situation you are asking about. If it is, know that you can feel love for someone and yet know that the person is not right for you, and if that is the case you may need to leave instead of suffering. Take a look at my Whom Are You Dating eCourse to learn to distinguish the right match from the person who is not right for you.

If you indeed want to do emotional “work” of growing and becoming more relational, more functional in a relationship and more open in love, lets talk about coaching, because work is best done with a good guide, and I can be a great guide for you.

Related Resources: Whom Are You Dating eCourse, Ongoing Love Coaching

Q. Sara asks:

I’m a single 25 year old looking for love. I’ve been burnt badly before, especially by getting my hopes up that a close friendship could turn into something more, so I’ve vowed never to get involved with a mixed signal kind of guy again, and instead go for people who directly say they’re interested in dating.

My problem is that I’ve been getting closer to a guy friend I’ve known for a long time, and I can’t help having some feelings for him. I’m afraid to get any closer because frankly I cannot stand the thought of another heartbreak, but at the same time I don’t want to put the damper on our correspondence in case I unknowingly close the door on what could be the best relationship I’ve ever had.

What should I do?

A. Love Coach Rinatta answers:

Hi Sara, no easy answers here to your difficult question, but with a bit of work you can get clear about where this relationship is headed or what you want to do with it.

First get clear on whether he is the right person for you - whether he is compatible with you in the right ways that will prevent more heartbreak for you.

To evaluate whether he is the right person for you or not, get my Whom Are You Dating eCourse. Not only will you learn if this guy friend is right for you, but also who will be right for you and how to recognize that person.

Second, you need to get clear on how he views your relationship. To get clear on how the views the relationship, you will need to ask him. However, guys do not respond well to being put on the spot, so you will have to find an easy breezy way of asking him just where his head is at.

Would like coaching on how to have that sort of conversation? I will be glad to work with you on that in a ProblemSolver coaching session.

Related Resources: Whom Are You Dating eCourse, ProblemSolver coaching session.

My turn to ask you a question, dear reader. Please leave your answer in the comments below.

What would you like to know MOST about how to - attract a new or re-mold the old - relationship you have always wanted?

Thanks for your thoughts!

Q. Carey asks:

Hi! I am 33 and have been dating what seems to be a very insecure guy who is a bit younger than me. He is very jealous, and is always accusing me of wanting to break up with him or of having another man. I thought maybe he was trying to tell me that HE indeed wanted to break up, but when I confronted him, he said he never wanted to break up with me. I am a little tired of all of it, but I really do like this guy. Can you give me any advice on how to stop this game he plays? Thank you

A. Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Carey, your guy has one of two things going on. Either he is very insecure indeed and is asking for reassurance, or he is trying to build up his selfesteem by demanding that you declare your faithfulness and affection for him on a regular basis.

To find out which one of these two things is going on, take a look at the rest of his life. If he is timid and hesitant, needing lots of reassurance in general, then he really is just insecure. Insecurity is annoying to deal with, but there are worst things, and it can get better with time and some help.

On the other hand, if he seems more self-centered and selfish in the rest of his life, then he is using you to build up or keep up his selfesteem. This is more problematic, but it can still be dealt with effectively.
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