Ask Love Coach

Q. Ana asks:

I am 29 years old and I have a bit of a dilemma. I have been with my boyfriend who is 27 years old, for almost 9 years we have lived together for almost 7 years of the 9 and we are not moving anywhere. My problem is that I am and have been ready to move to the next level and I do wish to marry him I do love him but he is just so stagnant. He is so comfortable in our relationship that he doesn’t want it to change and I do. He has no aspirations of any kind isn’t interesting in planning our lives together for the future. I’m 29 and these are thing I want us to start planning and I get nothing. I’m bored with him it’s like living with a roommate. We aren’t intimate at all, since the beginning of the year we have been intimate maybe 4 times that’s it.

I have had conversations with him explaining my issues and concerns and all I get is “I’m sorry I did not know you felt this way” then 2-3 weeks later back to the same old him. Now he has talked about marriage and we pretty much know what we want and have most of the plans for a wedding but his excuse is that he needs to save money for a ring. That excuse went out the window when he bought a $1200 laptop and gave no second thought to a ring. Why is that??

Please help I don’t know what to do, I am considering breaking it off. Our thoughts in life are moving in the opposite directions and we are loosing each other fast. Please help.

A. Love Coach Rinatta answers:

Ana, I would like to help, but this is a complicated situation that won’t lend itself to an easy response. Basically, you can’t make your boyfriend marry you if he doesn’t want to and you can’t make him be close to you if he doesn’t want to. The key is to figure out why he doesn’t want to, and then to see if there is something you can do to help him change his mind. If not, it may be time to move on. Do not manipulate him or force him. Ultimatums and manipulation can lead to a ring and even marriage, but you will dearly pay for it once you are married.

If you want help on how to save your relationship or at least yourself, I will gladly work with you in a Love Advice and Coaching session to help you come up with a plan of action.

Q: RR asks:

I have started a romantic affair with my next-door neighbor. We both are very fond of each other. We were friends a couple of months before we started kissing. Now we are getting close to having sex. I am completely love sick. I was so confident, but now that I have feelings for her, I feel insecure. I know her and I would have a great relationship. How could I get past this insecure feeling and let this relationship flourish?

A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:

RR, space and time away will make you more grounded and strong again. Often in relationships
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Here is an excerpt from an article titled “All is Well”, that I wrote for third age blog. You can read the whole article here.

“What if you were in a marriage that wasn’t working, and instead of being stressed and depressed you told yourself, and made yourself believe, that you will be taken care of and it will all turn out well? Perhaps you would stay calm through the crisis and get clarity about what you need to do in order to make the situation turn out well.

Or what if you were single and instead of having a negative reaction every time you date someone who is not for you, you told yourself that you will be taken care of and it will all turn out well? Perhaps you would just move on, unfazed, and keep meeting new people until you met the right one.”

This article generated the following question and my follow-up:

Q: Jaci asks:

On the relationship part of this - - - I recently tried the “All is well” thing. My fiancé never talks about his feelings so if he gets mad at me, I usually don’t know why. So I panic - when I see that he is acting different - it’s always so obvious that something is wrong and so I rack my brain trying to think: What did I say? What did I do? Did something happen that I didn’t notice? Etc. Well, when it happened the other day
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Q: Denise asks:

How do you know when someone wants to break up with you? How do you break up so you understand what happened? I recently went through a painful breakup with a man I had been involved with for eight months. I thought we were doing fine until towards the end he started to distance himself and finally told me after my questioning his behavior that he did not love me but did not want to break up. He thought we might continue and see if his feelings changed. I didn’t think that would work for me, and I told him I thought he wanted me to initiate the break up. The next day he told me it was over. Did I jump too soon? Should I have asked him some more questions?

A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:

Denise, I am sorry you got hurt. Perhaps getting more information on break ups will help you heal and move on.

When people are thinking about breaking up with their partner they usually do one or more of the following:
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