I’ve been in a relationship with a fantastic woman for just about a year. However, due to a recently self-diagnosed codependency issue on my part, I have been constantly demanding of her affection and time - basically taking up most of the emotional space, creating a real imbalance. After what seemed to me a wonderful xmas with her folks and romantic New Years getaway, followed by talk of moving in together, we had an argument brought on by her admitting to feeling uncomfortable about the proposed moving in. This led to a decision over the phone for us to have a weeklong break. This break went on for two weeks, with her making no contact with me whatsoever. I dropped off a couple of things at her house through the mail slot, but made no attempt to invite myself in. A few unacknowledged e-mails from me went by until finally I went to her house and, after her house-mate let me in, found her in the kitchen - where we went into each other’s arms. A long evening went by, with me pretty much dominating the conversation, blah blah blah. In the end, she said that the lack of pressure she felt through being together was virtually absent the last two weeks. She still needed time to reflect on what she wanted, saying that she could not put a timeframe on it - “It could take another two weeks, a month, six months. But what’s six months to a lifetime?” I told her that she was worth waiting for.

She took me out for my birthday the next week, attended my birthday party the following night, invited me to dinner at hers a couple of nights later (I responded to the message too late), went for dinner a week later, where some suggestive advances were made by her, with no follow-up - all with little to no communication in between the days. This lack of contact has been absolute hell for me, leading me to wonder if her interest will wane through non-togetherness to the point of disappearing altogether.

What can I do to reignite the love that I believe is there, yet respect her obvious need for space? How can there be shared intimacy with all this distance? Where’s the opportunity for growth? I am learning a great deal about the afore-mentioned codependency traits that exist in me (due to a dysfunctional family environment with an alcoholic father). But, after a number of failed relationships, I do believe that this woman is someone with whom I desire more than anything to grow with and truly open her heart. It’s just that I don’t trust these imposed absences and times apart, to not be wedges and impediments to the relationship as a whole.

Any advice more than welcome! Thank you.

I feel for you. The excuses, the rationale…seems to be stalling things out. I got the same crap: I wanted it to be a surprise…so I didnt bring it up either (same as you)…and nothing happened. I am angry that he can refer to me as his fiance and then not ask me and say we are actually engaged. I dont much care for rings…but he swears he has to have one in order to ask.

Some men are more intense about how they ask than we are..sometimes to the point that the perfection they have imagined in their head is imeasureable to what is really expected from their lady. To me, its not about how they ask but that they ask and follow through without a fantasy proposal they have in their head that they will likely never put into action.
I dont like being “tried on” for wedding fitness sake by being called his fiance alternately being termed as his gf on a different day….to play house to see how it fits without the seriousness I expect.

Being asked…well maybe I said yes too quickly because it stalled right after. Nothing happened. I dont like being misled and I am not a young woman…I know what I want out of life and its not to sit here worrying about what ifs and false starts the rest of my life. We arent promised tomorrow. No one is. I want to live and love without doubt and fear.

At first when we were together, he asked me to marry him on a daily basis…sort of like another reader that posted here. I thought it was kind of soon but after both of us knew what we wanted in love and had been married and are older, I thought maybe it was a possibility since we seemed well matched…

…we havent been together that long like some of the other ladies that wrote on this board. Nonetheless…after being asked daily (no ring) but talk about having wanted to marry me and claims to ask me on a certain holiday

- and no ring when that holiday arrived (despite huge hints that was going to be the case), I felt stupid for keeping an open mind about him asking me and me even considering it. I guess had I not been set up to believe he was going to ask me on said holiday, with a RING, then I felt really damned stupid for thinking it could be real when that day came and went. I felt like I had been led on and lied to. It really bothered me because he would say things all the damned time about me being his wife…I guess in SPIRIT since I am attentive like he would like a wife to be. But someone said here…why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? I agree. I feel like an idiot now that I thought he really saw me as a future wife.

We do not live together. He mentioned many times how he wanted to live in the same place and asked what he should do with his place if we did. Well I finally called his bluff and invited him to move in. He seemed to be shocked and didnt think I would even consider it. Needless to say, that conversation died off and he never moved in. Hasnt brought it up again except to say we should spend more time together. Not for lack of trying. He seems to spend a lot of time tired, sleeping after work or sick. Or so he says. I never know what to expect : will I see him…will he be too tired, too sick…whatever the situation is. I never know what to think these days.

Had he not told me he was GOING to propose to me properly on the holiday, I would never have felt so badly. I feel so lied to and not worth it to him. I got him a ring in kind. When I gave it to him after I realized he wasnt going to propose..I just played it off as no bog deal. But it is. I felt a catch in my throat and wanted to dissapear. All day today he has referred to me as his girlfriend and I hate that term. He knows this. He referred to me as his fiance over the wkend…and yet no ring, no proposal. The mixed signals are maddening. And tonight I thought we would be hanging out only to hear he has something to do with paperwork at home all of the sudden.

We both have older kids…both of us are in our early 40’s. Our kids are in their late teens, except for his…his doesnt live with him and is 14.

Im tired of being open to him because it doesnt seem to be met the same way. I kept an open mind with his expediency on the topic but now I think its all smoke and mirrors and dreaming on his part. Im starting to think he should have stayed with his ex since he says one thing yet reticent about moving on though he brings it up.