Q: Denise asks:
How do you know when someone wants to break up with you? How do you break up so you understand what happened? I recently went through a painful breakup with a man I had been involved with for eight months. I thought we were doing fine until towards the end he started to distance himself and finally told me after my questioning his behavior that he did not love me but did not want to break up. He thought we might continue and see if his feelings changed. I didn’t think that would work for me, and I told him I thought he wanted me to initiate the break up. The next day he told me it was over. Did I jump too soon? Should I have asked him some more questions?
A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:
Denise, I am sorry you got hurt. Perhaps getting more information on break ups will help you heal and move on.
When people are thinking about breaking up with their partner they usually do one or more of the following:
- Distancing
- Criticizing
- Being busy
- Acting withdrawn or uninterested when together
- Losing interest in physical intimacy
- Not doing the little caring things that were done before
- Lying
- Disappearing with no explanation
However, be careful not to read too much into this behavior - any of the above actions could just as easily mean the person is temporarily angry or frustrated or stressed, as opposed to thinking about breaking up.
It sounds like the man you were dating could have been thinking about breaking up with you, or could have been wondering why he didn’t feel more connected to you. Either way, though, you have to know that one conversation with you would not have pushed him over the edge into wanting to break up - you did not cause the breakup by talking to him!
Asking more questions is always a good idea in a relationship, especially in situations where there is conflict. Questions such as why he feels this way, and if there is anything you have done or not done to cause his feelings, are great for getting information.
Next time you are dating someone and he starts to pull away, you will want to get to the bottom of why the distancing is happening. Usually there is either a failure to connect or an accumulation of baggage in the relationship that is the problem. A relationship can often be saved if the two people can successfully find a way to connect and deal with the baggage between them.
If you want to learn how to create connection and deal with what’s making your partner pull away, get my Increase Intimacy in Your Relationship eCourse. It will teach you how to build intimacy and closeness, or recreate it if you are about to lose it in your relationship.
The trick to a successful, life long relationship is to work on it, actively, before there is any sign of trouble. “Doing fine” when it comes to a relationship is a sure road to a breakup. Your relationship must be better than fine and if it’s not, you and your partner need to take the time to find out why and make it the relationship you both always enjoy.
Related Resource: Increase Intimacy in Your Relationship eCourse for couples or individuals who want to improve their relationship or marriage.
From the Heart,
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I understand what Denise is saying… I, too, confronted the man I had been seeing for three years. He had become distant, communication from him when were together was so “silent”, he wasn’t doing those little things that he used to do, and lost interest in sex and intimacy. He said he did so because I was accusing him of being unfaithful. But, when I confronted him and told him that I felt that I wasn’t what he wanted all he could say was: “I don’t know what to say.” what kind of answer is that??? So, we called it quits and though it’s been a year I try to remain friends with him and I am not sure he even wants to be friends. Did I hurt him because I broke up with him before he had a chance to break up with me? Or, was I all wrong and this relationship could have been saved??? I am soooo confused, but there is still the distance, no intimacy, no communication from him…. and, yet, his friends tell me I “really hurt him”???
I think he needs to blame you so he can feel better about himself by relieving the guilt. That seems to be happening in my case.
Yes of course, the behavour Rinatta says is a good guide to know if someone wants to break up with you. I also lived that, my ex was away, not celebrating our important dates, avoiding intimacy, making excuses, being busy..everytime I tried to talk about what was happening he used to get mad and avoid communication. So one night I got really mad because I was waiting for him and when I called him he was sleeping! so I broke up with him by phone! I was really mad…he never called back again even after all we lived together, of course I did, just to ask him to see us to have a nice end as friends..he said he would call me..but he never did.
Eva
some people just can’t or don’t know how to talk about their emotions. They may not know this is a problem, may not see it as a problem, may think this is normal. But you and I both know it’s not, nor is it healthy.
In fact, that’s probably how you got the idea that you were not what he wanted - his lack of communication.
I would expect a whole of the same form him - lack of communication. Why not put your energy into someone else, who can communicate? You just need to find a person who actually can communicate, naturally. Check out the Whom Are You Dating ecourse to learn how: http://www.whatittakes.com/classes/whomdating.html
After 3.5 years together my girlfriend and I broke up due to my failure to give her the commitment she wanted. I miss her and would do anything to win her back. How do I do it.
I have found that when a man distanced himself from you that is all you need to know. Why ask why??? The fact that he removed himself from you tells you he doesn’t want to be with you and as a counselor has told my friend when they were going through a divorce..why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you…says it all for me. Let these men go…and my motto is NEXT…you will find the man who wants to be with you without excuses…I am single and looking for that confident man who wants a relationship and is tired of the “grass is greener” syndrome….
Be confident girl!!!
I can understand the needing to know why (re break-up) its necessary as without the words actually said there is a tendency to blame oneself and keep thinking was it this was it that? Its a dreadful feeling and one I am going though at this very moment. You feel if you just knew the reason it would make you feel better. I don’t know if it would, as I cant believe the answer I have been given “we couldnt sort our differences” I still want yet another answer!
I understand the urgent need to “know why” someone you love is distancing themselves because I have experienced it first hand. What I thought at the time was the “love of my life” distanced me without telling me why and gave many excuses about needing space and time for himself and his child which later I found had nothing to do with it.
I must whole heartedly agree with Brie that all you really need to know is that he just does not want to be with you!! (and perhaps you really DONT want to know why!) Concentrate on your own happiness and find someone who DOES want to be with you. Keep your head high! It is that simple. In my case, all the signs coach Rinatta describes were there. I suspected he might be seeing someone but he would not admit to it…not yet anyway because he was not sure of the new interest and wanted me as a “back up” which I discovered later after I had proof. There was no baggage or lack of connection in my case… simply another woman had caught his interest! It was too risky for him to quickly and completely break up with me, yet I knew something had changed. Men will make all kinds of excuses and will rarely admit the truth unless confronted with proof. When there is physical distance in a relationship there must be trust and it hurts when you find out you have been lied to by someone you cared deeply for.
You must read the book, “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. The book is well written, funny, informative, entertaining and I bet every woman that has ever been jilted will see herself in one or more of the scenarios written. You will also see examples of women with lower self esteem than even you who think men are more complicated than they are but are really “just not into you”. The uplifting and healthy messages are so clear in this book you don’t need a Phd to understand. Highly recommended!
What do you make of a man who speaks constantly of future and asks unending questions of a woman about marriage ect then disappears and refusing to even speak to her when in same room? He is the one who always brought up future not me and then has not officially broke up, just fell off the earth? Hes not a child he is 54 and i have never had this happen before.
Mt ex-boyfriend broke up with me after 5 months of going out. He did all the chasing and calling etc for the first 3 months, then we had an arugument cos he said i never paid for anything but then i apologised after that it all went down hill and he became distant. He even went on another date but said nothing happened. So i told him that either were going out or we’re not i wanted to break up there and then but he convinced me that he wanted to be with me. Then about a week or two later he breaks up with me why? Sometimes i feel guilty cos when he was trying to be my boyfriend and tell me how he felt i would brush him off and told him it was just lust and i never used to call him. But I did when he was becoming distant but i drove him away somehow.
I am here reading because the man I am dating (long distance) after every visit becomes distant. Although he does not see it..I sure do. We have wonderful visits together and when it’s time to leave for at least a week or two the communication becomes very little. Then slowly he starts coming back around and the communication picks up again. I’m not sure what causes this on his part. He claims that his feelings for me never change and that he misses me after I leave and that it makes him more lonely and he needs time to adjust to getting back to reality. I can kind of understand that to a degree but you would think it would cause him to have the desire to keep contact instead of becoming distant. Or am I making too much out of this?
Denise.. this is what I call “the Good Guy Syndrome” it’s when a man wants to break things off with you…But doesnt have the Class to do so!…So he will become distant and make excuses to manipulate the situation.. all in the hopes you get angry & frustrated with his behavior and You break things off with him, So he can walk away and still maintain his “Good Guy” image. been there done that.. Smarter Now!
i leave with my fiance though not fully married. i love him but his people dont like me infact he has not shown me to his people and he has changed alot, he dont like spending time with me but preffers to go out and stay with friends and relatives. he always pretends to be busy just to avoid being with me. and their is a time i read his mail and found out he had an affair outside. i dont know what to do, may be he is just wasting my time. just help me because am depressed and am just dying