I’m a single 25 year old looking for love. I’ve been burnt badly before, especially by getting my hopes up that a close friendship could turn into something more, so I’ve vowed never to get involved with a mixed signal kind of guy again, and instead go for people who directly say they’re interested in dating.

My problem is that I’ve been getting closer to a guy friend I’ve known for a long time, and I can’t help having some feelings for him. I’m afraid to get any closer because frankly I cannot stand the thought of another heartbreak, but at the same time I don’t want to put the damper on our correspondence in case I unknowingly close the door on what could be the best relationship I’ve ever had.

What should I do?

A. Love Coach Rinatta answers:

Hi Sara, no easy answers here to your difficult question, but with a bit of work you can get clear about where this relationship is headed or what you want to do with it.

First get clear on whether he is the right person for you - whether he is compatible with you in the right ways that will prevent more heartbreak for you.

To evaluate whether he is the right person for you or not, get my Whom Are You Dating eCourse. Not only will you learn if this guy friend is right for you, but also who will be right for you and how to recognize that person. You can read the full description of the course here.

Second, you need to get clear on how he views your relationship. To get clear on how the views the relationship, you will need to ask him. However, guys do not respond well to being put on the spot, so you will have to find an easy breezy way of asking him just where his head is at. If you would like to get some coaching on how to have that sort of conversation, I will be glad to work with you on that in a ProblemSolver coaching session. More information on ProblemSolver session is here.

From The Heart,
Love Coach Rinatta

What would you like to know MOST about how to - attract a new or re-mold the old - relationship you have always wanted?

Thanks for your thoughts!

Hi! I am 33 and have been dating what seems to be a very insecure guy who is a bit younger than me. He is very jealous, and is always accusing me of wanting to break up with him or of having another man. I thought maybe he was trying to tell me that HE indeed wanted to break up, but when I confronted him, he said he never wanted to break up with me. I am a little tired of all of it, but I really do like this guy. Can you give me any advice on how to stop this game he plays? Thank you

A. Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Carey, your guy has one of two things going on. Either he is very insecure indeed and is asking for reassurance, or he is trying to build up his selfesteem by demanding that you declare your faithfulness and affection for him on a regular basis.

To find out which one of these two things is going on, take a look at the rest of his life. If he is timid and hesitant, needing lots of reassurance in general, then he really is just insecure. Insecurity is annoying to deal with, but there are worst things, and it can get better with time and some help.

On the other hand, if he seems more self-centered and selfish in the rest of his life, then he is using you to build up or keep up his selfesteem. This is more problematic, but it can still be dealt with effectively.

Here is what you need to do:
1. Realize that he is not playing a game – he is trying to get his emotional needs met in a relationship, same as everyone else. Meeting emotional needs is why people get into relationships. He is just going about it the wrong way.
2. Examine how you may be contributing to the problem. Do you flirt with others? Do you do things to make him jealous? Do you ignore him or his needs when he tries to talk to you about them? Clean your side of the street and make sure you give him no reason to distrust you.
3. Let him know that you are not willing to fix his insecurity and fulfill his need for reassurance, since his need seems to go far beyond the norm. Let him know you would be happy to talk about how he feels, as long as he knows that what he feels are HIS feelings and have nothing to do with your action or your character.
4. Challenge him to look for the root of his feelings in past relationships and his childhood instead of looking at you as the cause of them.

If this doesn’t work, you may have to let him go, as constantly reassuring someone of your faithfulness and love, especially when you are doing nothing wrong, is impossible to do without resentment.

Want me to support you through this process with your boyfriend? Consider setting up a ProblemSolver Advice & Coaching Session in which I will teach you how to speak to him so that he will hear you on this issue, yet not offend him or turn him off.

I am 29 years old and I have a bit of a dilemma. I have been with my boyfriend who is 27 years old, for almost 9 years we have lived together for almost 7 years of the 9 and we are not moving anywhere. My problem is that I am and have been ready to move to the next level and I do wish to marry him I do love him but he is just so stagnant. He is so comfortable in our relationship that he doesn’t want it to change and I do. He has no aspirations of any kind isn’t interesting in planning our lives together for the future. I’m 29 and these are thing I want us to start planning and I get nothing. I’m bored with him it’s like living with a roommate. We aren’t intimate at all, since the beginning of the year we have been intimate maybe 4 times that’s it.

I have had conversations with him explaining my issues and concerns and all I get is "I’m sorry I did not know you felt this way" then 2-3 weeks later back to the same old him. Now he has talked about marriage and we pretty much know what we want and have most of the plans for a wedding but his excuse is that he needs to save money for a ring. That excuse went out the window when he bought a $1200 laptop and gave no second thought to a ring. Why is that??

Please help I don’t know what to do, I am considering breaking it off. Our thoughts in life are moving in the opposite directions and we are loosing each other fast. Please help.

A. Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Ana, I would like to help. However, this looks like a fairly complicated situation that won’t lend itself to an easy response. Basically, you can’t make your boyfriend marry you if he doesn’t want to and you can’t make him be close to you if he doesn’t want to. The key is to figure out why he doesn’t want to, and then to see if there is something you can do to help him change his mind. If not, it may be time to move on. Do not manipulate him. Ultimatums and manipulation can lead to a ring and even marriage, but you will dearly pay for it once you are married.

If you want help on this, I will gladly work with you in a Love Advice and Coaching session to help you figure out what to do.

We have been married for three years and this has gone on since. I never know when or for how long, he finally told me that his ex who he was for 8 yrs had them same "complaints” as he calls my concerns, he really doesn’t have a reason to offer me. When we are emotionally connected its great but for no apparent reason he leaves emotionally. I have tried discussing this with him, writing my feelings to offer to do anything to prevent this from happening again but I get no real answer We went to counseling tried 3 different ones trying to find one that wouldn’t come to the conclusion that he is an emotional cripple what can be done. I’ve been told my counselors that i need to accept this and not take it personally or leave the marriage because the pain is destroying me. Do you have any ideas for me.

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Anna, your husband leaves emotionally when the two of you get too close. Perhaps not too close for you - but for some reason too close for him. Don’t try to figure out what you can do to make him not go away. Short of keeping your distance at all times, nothing you do will make a difference.

Well, that is not exactly right. There are many things you can do to make this situation better, but nothing that you can naturally come up with will work. Being nicer, not causing arguments, trying to please him will not work. He abandons you because he experiences intimacy as threatening. Being nicer will only make him run away faster as when you are nicer there is probably more intimacy.

So what do you do? First read "How Do I Get Through To You" by Terry Real. Offer your husband the opportunity to read it as well. Then take the advice of the therapists and learn to live without emotional closeness with your husband - not for always, but for now. Build your self-esteem and your internal strength so that you are fine on your own and are not affected by his behavior.

Then you can start to work on helping him learn how not to run away from you.

I can help you with this process, and give you specific steps along the way to save your marriage. And I can offer you the support and comfort you so desperately need now and through this process. If you want my help, let me know and we can set up our first advice & coaching session and figure out your strategy.

Good luck and know that you are ok regardless of what your husband is doing or not doing.

Hi, Rinatta. How does the person who asks for time alone in a relationship make sure that they don’t start feeling insecure during their time out? I can see how questions such as “is my partner unhappy because I want this time to myself?” or ”is he/she going to leave me because I don’t want to be with her/him all the time?” can storm someone’s mind… In other words, how do I ask for and take time alone in a relationship, feel good about it, and help my partner feel good about it?

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Genoveve, the best, most healthy, relationships have plenty of together time and also plenty of alone time. However, most people don’t know this. Even if they feel the need for space from their loved one intuitively, they are not comfortable asking for and taking the alone time. Let me tell you, though, that a relationship without alone time will eventually disintegrate because of an accumulation of resentments because of lack of space from each other.

The steps to successfully taking alone time in a relationship are as follows:

1. Know you and your partner need time away from each other and start to talk about this with your partner.

2. When discussing time alone with your partner, emphasize how important the time together is for you and how taking time away from each other will make the time together even better.

3. Let your partner know that when you are away, you will genuinely miss him or her, but will need to focus on yourself. Encourage him or her to do the same.

4. If possible, establish regular time alone. Say every Wednesday night from 6 to 9 pm, or every Saturday night at your house as opposed to at his place.

5. If your partner resists or can’t get over your need for time and space alone, keep talking about why it’s important to you and the relationship, and get him or her to read this blog. Ask your partner to talk about why it’s hard for him or her to accept space and time away from you.

To help you communicate successfully with your partner, get the Essential Communication Course for Couples and the  Increase Intimacy in Your Relationship eCourses. These will help you overcome difficult communication blocks that otherwise make people stop communicating with each other.

6. When taking time away from your partner, keep self-doubt and fear of whether you are doing the right thing at bay. Remind yourself that you and the relationship will be better off rather than worst off for you taking alone time. When the angst comes, know that it will pass and keep refocusing your attention on the tasks at hand.

7. If your partner absolutely refuses to give you alone time, it’s time for relationship intervention, as this will lead to serious problems down the road. For example, the person who is now refusing to give you alone time will be spending more time away from you in the not too distant future so as to get some alone time, as everyone needs alone time in a relationship and will take it regardless of his or her views on it.

If you need help, email me and let’s see how I can help you.

I’ve been hurt and cheated on so many times, how do I get past that and let someone love me with me loving that someone back?

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Deanna, there is no easy answer to your question, but here is the truthful answer.

First, you need to figure out why you allowed into your life people who would cheat on you and hurt you. Not that it was your fault, but you need to understand why it happened, so that you can prevent it from happening again. I have an eclass I created just for this purpose that you can purchase at my websites – it’s called PatternTracker.

Then you need to learn what a healthy relationship looks like and what a healthy man looks like, so that you can stop putting up with people who can’t give you the love you want. You should learn about healthy relationships and healthy men even if you are already starting to be involved with someone new – you don’t want to get hurt yet again.  I also have created an eCourse to help people recognize what is healthy and find healthy people, and it’s available on my website – it’s called Whom Are You Dating.

Last, you need to let go of the hurt and pain from all of your past relationships, so that you can move unencumbered into the future. There is no course for this yet, but I can teach you how to let go of the past by working with you in individual coaching.

Even you, after being hurt and cheated on so many times, can have a healthy, happy, satisfying relationship. You just need to do some work to get there.

My two-year relationship with a man who is 15 years my senior has just ended. I have struggled for over a year with his inability to commit to me and his ongoing relationship with his ex-wife. Due to his having an affair throughout their 14 year marriage, he has developed a relationship with her that is based on dependence, guilt and obligation. He spends holidays, many family occasions, and some vacations with her and their college age children. It’s almost as if they are still married, yet he had this intimate relationship with me which the children and ex-wife were aware of. Was it unrealistic for me to expect that I was to be an important relationship in his life and to expect that he would respect my needs to be a priority? I was respectful of his relationship with his children, but the way it was set up was his ex-wife orchestrated the children’s lives and he just joined in as if they were still an intact family. I had many a sleepless night over this situation, until I could not stand to be the "other woman" any longer. Do you have any thoughts or experience with this type of relationship?

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Bett, some people are just unavailable. It almost doesn’t matter what makes them unavailable – it could be their ex-marriage, it could be drugs or alcohol, it could be TV, it could be work, it could be food, it could be sports. I could go on and on.

The bottom line is that people who are unavailable are that way because they cannot allow themselves to be fully present in a relationship. Usually this is from a deep fear of closeness and being hurt deeply early in their lives.

When you are with someone who is unavailable, unless they know and see that they are unavailable and want more for themselves, there will be no change. An unavailable person can only become available through self-realization. Then deep work is necessary to uncover what has kept him or her unavailable, followed by healing of those things and learning new relationship behavior.

I am glad you saw the light about your relationship – that you were with a man who was uncomfortable with intimacy and for that reason maintaining two relationships. You intuitively understood that he could not be fully with either you or his ex-wife.

So what to do in these situations? If the person you are with does not see that he or she is unavailable after repeated attempts by you to show him or her what’s really going on, there is only one thing to do – leave. A relationship with an unavailable person is painful, and you don’t need that kind of pain.

Then you need to learn how to pick partners who are available, so that you don’t have to deal with this painful issue again. This is not an easy task, as you have to become an expert at reading people.

If you want to learn to read people like a pro, figure out what kind of a person you need to be in a relationship with and then be able to recognize that person when you are dating him or her, get my Whom Are You Dating eCourse.

I have been dating a man for the past 4 months. We are both in our mid 40’s and he has never been married, I am divorced with three school age children.  He calls me at least 4 times a day, yet won’t commit to even an exclusive relationship.  It hurts me because a few nights he doesn’t call signals to me that he is likely on a date.  When he calls on the phone, he is much more intimate, and affectionate than in person.  he also makes comments as if we have a future, yet again, he will not commit.  I continue to casually date others, but I am afraid I am falling for this man and am going to get burned. What do I do?

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Susan, you are headed for a heartbreak and you know it!

I wish I could reach through the computer and pull you back from the cliff you are headed down.

I know this will sound like a sales pitch, but it is not. I genuinely belive that you need to read one of my eCourses, ASAP, before you loose yourself.  I think it might save you, where nothing else will. The ecourse is called How Not to Blow It in a New Relationship.

I very much hope you do this for yourself, your heart and your sanity.

You will tell by the time you finish reading this that I am deeply troubled with my relationship.  My man is in a band and I am a nanny . . . talk about different lifestyles.  For a long time now, we have been living together and I pay for about 75% of the financial responsibilities, sometimes leaving no spend $ for myself.  I have been pleading with him to do more romantic things like dinner, vacation, or a simple gesture other than just being home early enough to physically lay beside me.  He claims that these things aren’t possible without money and he gets defensive.  He says that once he’s successful things will change.  Am I asking too much?  How long do I wait for things to change?

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Lauren, waiting for things to change or pleading for them to change will not make them, or him, change. Change in a relationship and in partner is possible, but you have to know what to do, and that has nothing to do with pleading or waiting. On the other hand, it also has nothing to do with manipulation. Start by deciding what you want and making sure that you have it as much as possible by providing it for yourself.