I am struggling with the fact that I have been in three marriages. The first time, I married at 19 after dating this boy since 15. We lasted nine years before divorcing. I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Then I married a chiropractic colleague whose wife had died, leaving three boys without a mother. I later found out that he was a sociopath and abuser, and that his wife died at 48 from the intense stress of living with him. I lasted three years, she lasted 18. The third marriage I didn’t take too seriously. I married to help someone I loved (but didn’t need to marry) acquire his green card. He died of cancer before we could re-establish his work life. You would think I would give up by then. But I dated two different colleagues. One ended up revealing he had a two-year affair before filing for divorce (he was a divorce attorney), and that was why he could not attach to me. The other was temporarily separated from his wife and returned (a high school principal).

If that isn’t enough – the next “professional” I met was a co-worker (IT) who presented himself as unmarried. I found that he was married. Four months into the relationship, I learned that he had two little kids. He left her and moved in with me. But he decided that it was too costly to leave the marriage after her threats, and returned. I don’t recall “missing” a single nice guy along the way I didn’t recognize.

I equate my bad choices in men as a fact – most men are bad, especially when you’re in your 40s. I know I should have run away the minute I found the red flags. The problem is, if you are a hungry person, you might be tempted to eat food that is laced with poison.

What should an intelligent, attractive, 47-year-old professional female do to meet a compatible bachelor nowadays? I am getting of tired of wanting.

A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:

Dear Anonymous, thank you for revealing your relationship history and asking your question.
I would like to quote your question to point something out to you. You said: “I equate my bad choice in men as a fact – most men are bad …”

The quote from your question reveals that you believe approximately 50 percent of the population to be bad. Could that possibly be true? Could you really judge the whole half of humanity on your experience with five men?

You also said, “I don’t recall ‘missing’ a single nice guy along the way I didn’t recognize.” How could you recognize a nice guy if you believe most men are bad?

We do not take in all the information around us. That would be impossible. We screen out the information and events around us and only screen in what is relevant to us. Our brain selects what we see and recognize according to our focus, thoughts and beliefs. You believe most men are bad. Your brain seeks out bad men for you to see and hides in plain view the good ones.

I can easily demonstrate to you how this works in other areas of your life. For example, think back to the last time you wanted a particular kind of car. Did you all of a sudden start noticing the car you wanted everywhere? Did you start to wonder if almost everyone except you drove that particular car? Were you paying much attention to the millions of other cars on the road, their colors, makes, models?
I don’t know about you, but most people’s experience is that once they settle on their next car, they tend to see it everywhere, and hardly notice the other cars for a while. And that is their brain working to seek out for them the object of their focus and screening out other information.

I can already almost hear you saying to me that there really are only bad men out there. You might say “I have experienced them and never experienced any good ones. I used to be more of an optimist, but I had so many bad experiences!”

Here is my answer. I am sure when you were younger you were more optimistic about men. However, I am going to bet that your childhood taught you that men are bad and relationships don’t work out. You may not even recognize this as true right now, as these were most likely hidden, subconscious beliefs. If I were to work with you in a telephone coaching session, within a short time I would show you exactly which childhood experiences formed this hidden belief in you that men are bad and relationships don’t work out.

Even thought you were optimistic as you went out into the world to find a mate, your choices and relationship behavior were mostly driven by these hidden beliefs, because when it comes to relationships, all of us – without exception – act from our hidden beliefs. But hidden or not, our beliefs inform our brain what to select for us to see and experience.

Presto! You only got to see bad men. As you said, you were starving and felt that poisonous relationships are better than no relationship, so you went ahead and had bad relationships.

You ask how to meet a compatible bachelor. By compatible, I think you really mean a good guy who can finally make you happy. You won’t meet him by joining a dating service or going online or joining a club. Actually, chances are you won’t meet him at all, until you change what your brain selects for you.

In other words, you have to start believing that there are plenty of good men out there before you can meet one. And not just pretending to believe it. You actually have to instill this belief deep inside you, so that it becomes stronger than your belief that all men are bad. And let’s be clear. I am not saying you have to look at men you consider “bad” and say they are “good.” You actually have to believe that there are other men out there who are wonderful, loving and looking for a great relationship, and that they have been simply invisible to you up until now.

How do you believe something you don’t believe? Sounds crazy, right?

Start simply by considering that perhaps your current beliefs are not an accurate reflection of reality. I mean, can you judge all men based on a handful of your own experiences and a small number of famous men whose bad behavior shows up in the media? No, you can’t.

Next, start looking around for good men. How about famous men known as faithful and loving husbands? How about Jimmy Carter and Tom Hanks and Paul Newman, to name a few? Seek out other evidence that there good men out there, even if they are married. It will be a good start for you.

To go deeper, to change your hidden beliefs that got you into this mess of relationship experiences in the first place, consider working with me as your coach. This is one of my specialties – helping clients change hidden, unworkable beliefs, recover from a bad relationship history and learn healthy dating and relationship skills. Your work with me could result in your attracting a great partner and getting into a healthy, fabulous relationship.

One of the tools I would recommend to you immediately – whether you decide to work with me as your coach or not – is to learn the Law of Attraction. In essence, Law of Attraction teaches you how to and why you should believe that what you want is real before seeing it. That’s what the movie “The Secret” was about. This skill of believing before seeing works extremely well, but it takes time and effort to learn and understand. Here is a set of audios that I have found invaluable in learning the nuts and bolts of how to really work the Law of Attraction to get results. And, if you reading this and already use the Law of Attraction, here is a set of really excellent audios to help you fine-tune your LOA skills.

You may also want to read an article I wrote on what I recommend clients do to change their beliefs about relationships.

To summarize, my dear, what you believe about men is what got you a lifetime of bad relationships. Change what you believe – in spite of the things you have experienced – and you will change your life and find that elusive deep love. And if you want support along the way, this is exactly the kind of work I do successfully with men and women across the globe. I will be glad to help you.

Related Resources: Audio set on learning how to work the Law of Attraction, Coaching to help unearth hidden beliefs Similar Posts:

I have been divorced for about 7 yrs. which seems like 14 since the last 7-8 yrs. we lived like 2 people sharing the same house. This was my 3rd marriage (1st husband died, 2nd 20 yrs. marriage and this last one 10yrs.), but one thing was different; I didn’t feel “alone” after he left. Most of my life I have been a “Care Giver” taking care of others: grandparents, parents, brothers, elderly neighbors, terminally ill patients, and everyone else that needed help…….everyone but me! This is the first time I have concentrated on my needs and what I want out of life. I wish I knew some of this 30 years ago (I’m now 60). My question is: most of my family (children & grandchildren) and friends keep trying to set me up with men. I work 2 jobs and do not have time for a relationship with anyone. They think I need a man to take care of me in my old age??? I’m working 2 jobs so I will be debt free before I retire (my ex maxed out the charge cards before he left). For the most part I am happy with my life. But nothing I say seems to get through to them. It’s not that I want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I have found that I am very picky about who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Am I wrong for being so picky this late in life? For workng so much? Note: I should be debt free within 2 more years if I keep working 2 jobs.

A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for asking your question.

The short answer is you get to choose how you live your life. And you are to be applauded for taking full responsibility for your retirement and taking care of yourself by having two jobs and being almost debt free, instead of falling victim to your ex’s bad behavior.

But…when people who love us unanimously yet independently give us the same feedback about our life and relationship choices, it would behoove us to listen. Why? Because most of us can’t see ourselves as clearly as our loved once and friends can.

Perhaps they are not exactly articulating what they are seeing. Perhaps they don’t mean that you need to find a man to take care of you in your old age. After all, you are taking care of yourself just fine and will probably continue to be just fine in terms of being taken care of. I am going to venture a guess that what they are actually seeing is that you have closed off to men and relationships, and with that have perhaps locked up a part of yourself that they wish would come back. And who could blame you, after three long marriages, all of which ended in pain, one might say you have had enough heartbreak to last you a lifetime.

Yet, what is the price of blocking off men and the possibility of love? Your family is seeing some sort of price you are paying, which is why they are bugging you about it. Are you sure this is the price you want to pay?

Finally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being picky and wanting what you want from a man and from a relationship. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that you have decided that the kind of man you want does not exist or won’t be interested in you, and so you have resigned yourself to being busy and focusing on other things. Or perhaps you have decided that all men are cheaters, liars, users or will die on you?

If you were to get into a relationship again, and if you were to find the relationship of great benefit to your life, what kind of a man would the relationship have to be with, do you know?

If you don’t, you may want to get an ecourse I created for people who want to clarify who they need to have as a relationship partner, title Who Do You Need.

You still get to have love, if you can allow it, even at this “late” stage of the game of life. You could be around for another 30 or 40 years, do you really want to be single through the best years of your life?

Somewhere out there, perhaps around the corner is a great man looking for a woman just like you. Figure out whom he has to be in order to deeply contribute to your life and than be open to meeting him and see what happens.

Related Resources: Who Do You Need ecourse, Ongoing Love CoachingSimilar Posts:

Hi Rinatta. If you are feeling love for someone and it feels bad or painful (although in your heart you know its the right thing for yourself for the development of your being), how do you know you are progressing into the good? How do you know ‘work’ is getting done?

A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:

Dear Nancy, the answer is three-fold. First of all, how you know work is getting done is that the situation either becomes more of what you want or that you are happier and more at peace regardless of the situation.

Second, work does not get done by itself. You have to do the emotional work, or emotional growing, intentionally, or it does not get done. And you can use the relationship to help you do the work, to be your practice ground, and that is one of the things relationships are great for.

Third, in our culture people who want to feel good all the time, and run from pain and hard emotional work. On the other hand, we have a subset of people who believe that emotional work and relationships are only valid and worth having if there is pain. The reality of life is that not all pain is necessary, and that if you do indeed want to grow in a relationship or in a relational dimension, you don’t necessarily need to be in pain and it does not necessarily need to be hard all of the time. In fact, one way you know you are growing emotionally is that you are able to feel deeper joy more of the time.

I wonder if this is a dating situation you are asking about. If it is, know that you can feel love for someone and yet know that the person is not right for you, and if that is the case you may need to leave instead of suffering. Take a look at my Whom Are You Dating eCourse to learn to distinguish the right match from the person who is not right for you.

If you indeed want to do emotional “work” of growing and becoming more relational, more functional in a relationship and more open in love, lets talk about coaching, because work is best done with a good guide, and I can be a great guide for you.

Related Resources: Whom Are You Dating eCourse, Ongoing Love CoachingSimilar Posts:

I’m a single 25 year old looking for love. I’ve been burnt badly before, especially by getting my hopes up that a close friendship could turn into something more, so I’ve vowed never to get involved with a mixed signal kind of guy again, and instead go for people who directly say they’re interested in dating.

My problem is that I’ve been getting closer to a guy friend I’ve known for a long time, and I can’t help having some feelings for him. I’m afraid to get any closer because frankly I cannot stand the thought of another heartbreak, but at the same time I don’t want to put the damper on our correspondence in case I unknowingly close the door on what could be the best relationship I’ve ever had.

What should I do?

A. Love Coach Rinatta answers:

Hi Sara, no easy answers here to your difficult question, but with a bit of work you can get clear about where this relationship is headed or what you want to do with it.

First get clear on whether he is the right person for you - whether he is compatible with you in the right ways that will prevent more heartbreak for you.

To evaluate whether he is the right person for you or not, get my Whom Are You Dating eCourse. Not only will you learn if this guy friend is right for you, but also who will be right for you and how to recognize that person.

Second, you need to get clear on how he views your relationship. To get clear on how the views the relationship, you will need to ask him. However, guys do not respond well to being put on the spot, so you will have to find an easy breezy way of asking him just where his head is at.

Would like coaching on how to have that sort of conversation? I will be glad to work with you on that in a ProblemSolver coaching session.

Related Resources: Whom Are You Dating eCourse, ProblemSolver coaching session.Similar Posts:

What would you like to know MOST about how to - attract a new or re-mold the old - relationship you have always wanted?

Thanks for your thoughts!Similar Posts:

Hi! I am 33 and have been dating what seems to be a very insecure guy who is a bit younger than me. He is very jealous, and is always accusing me of wanting to break up with him or of having another man. I thought maybe he was trying to tell me that HE indeed wanted to break up, but when I confronted him, he said he never wanted to break up with me. I am a little tired of all of it, but I really do like this guy. Can you give me any advice on how to stop this game he plays? Thank you

A. Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Carey, your guy has one of two things going on. Either he is very insecure indeed and is asking for reassurance, or he is trying to build up his selfesteem by demanding that you declare your faithfulness and affection for him on a regular basis.

To find out which one of these two things is going on, take a look at the rest of his life. If he is timid and hesitant, needing lots of reassurance in general, then he really is just insecure. Insecurity is annoying to deal with, but there are worst things, and it can get better with time and some help.

On the other hand, if he seems more self-centered and selfish in the rest of his life, then he is using you to build up or keep up his selfesteem. This is more problematic, but it can still be dealt with effectively.

Here is what you need to do:
1. Realize that he is not playing a game – he is trying to get his emotional needs met in a relationship, same as everyone else. Meeting emotional needs is why people get into relationships. He is just going about it the wrong way.
2. Examine how you may be contributing to the problem. Do you flirt with others? Do you do things to make him jealous? Do you ignore him or his needs when he tries to talk to you about them? Clean your side of the street and make sure you give him no reason to distrust you.
3. Let him know that you are not willing to fix his insecurity and fulfill his need for reassurance, since his need seems to go far beyond the norm. Let him know you would be happy to talk about how he feels, as long as he knows that what he feels are HIS feelings and have nothing to do with your action or your character.
4. Challenge him to look for the root of his feelings in past relationships and his childhood instead of looking at you as the cause of them.

If this doesn’t work, you may have to let him go, as constantly reassuring someone of your faithfulness and love, especially when you are doing nothing wrong, is impossible to do without resentment.

Want me to support you through this process with your boyfriend? Consider setting up a ProblemSolver Advice & Coaching Session in which I will teach you how to speak to him so that he will hear you on this issue, yet not offend him or turn him off.Similar Posts:

I am 29 years old and I have a bit of a dilemma. I have been with my boyfriend who is 27 years old, for almost 9 years we have lived together for almost 7 years of the 9 and we are not moving anywhere. My problem is that I am and have been ready to move to the next level and I do wish to marry him I do love him but he is just so stagnant. He is so comfortable in our relationship that he doesn’t want it to change and I do. He has no aspirations of any kind isn’t interesting in planning our lives together for the future. I’m 29 and these are thing I want us to start planning and I get nothing. I’m bored with him it’s like living with a roommate. We aren’t intimate at all, since the beginning of the year we have been intimate maybe 4 times that’s it.

I have had conversations with him explaining my issues and concerns and all I get is “I’m sorry I did not know you felt this way” then 2-3 weeks later back to the same old him. Now he has talked about marriage and we pretty much know what we want and have most of the plans for a wedding but his excuse is that he needs to save money for a ring. That excuse went out the window when he bought a $1200 laptop and gave no second thought to a ring. Why is that??

Please help I don’t know what to do, I am considering breaking it off. Our thoughts in life are moving in the opposite directions and we are loosing each other fast. Please help.

A. Love Coach Rinatta answers:

Ana, I would like to help, but this is a complicated situation that won’t lend itself to an easy response. Basically, you can’t make your boyfriend marry you if he doesn’t want to and you can’t make him be close to you if he doesn’t want to. The key is to figure out why he doesn’t want to, and then to see if there is something you can do to help him change his mind. If not, it may be time to move on. Do not manipulate him or force him. Ultimatums and manipulation can lead to a ring and even marriage, but you will dearly pay for it once you are married.

If you want help on how to save your relationship or at least yourself, I will gladly work with you in a Love Advice and Coaching session to help you come up with a plan of action.Similar Posts:

We have been married for three years and this has gone on since. I never know when or for how long, he finally told me that his ex who he was for 8 yrs had them same "complaints” as he calls my concerns, he really doesn’t have a reason to offer me. When we are emotionally connected its great but for no apparent reason he leaves emotionally. I have tried discussing this with him, writing my feelings to offer to do anything to prevent this from happening again but I get no real answer We went to counseling tried 3 different ones trying to find one that wouldn’t come to the conclusion that he is an emotional cripple what can be done. I’ve been told my counselors that i need to accept this and not take it personally or leave the marriage because the pain is destroying me. Do you have any ideas for me.

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Anna, your husband leaves emotionally when the two of you get too close. Perhaps not too close for you - but for some reason too close for him. Don’t try to figure out what you can do to make him not go away. Short of keeping your distance at all times, nothing you do will make a difference.

Well, that is not exactly right. There are many things you can do to make this situation better, but nothing that you can naturally come up with will work. Being nicer, not causing arguments, trying to please him will not work. He abandons you because he experiences intimacy as threatening. Being nicer will only make him run away faster as when you are nicer there is probably more intimacy.

So what do you do? First read "How Do I Get Through To You" by Terry Real. Offer your husband the opportunity to read it as well. Then take the advice of the therapists and learn to live without emotional closeness with your husband - not for always, but for now. Build your self-esteem and your internal strength so that you are fine on your own and are not affected by his behavior.

Then you can start to work on helping him learn how not to run away from you.

I can help you with this process, and give you specific steps along the way to save your marriage. And I can offer you the support and comfort you so desperately need now and through this process. If you want my help, let me know and we can set up our first advice & coaching session and figure out your strategy.

Good luck and know that you are ok regardless of what your husband is doing or not doing.

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Hi, Rinatta. How does the person who asks for time alone in a relationship make sure that they don’t start feeling insecure during their time out? I can see how questions such as “is my partner unhappy because I want this time to myself?” or ”is he/she going to leave me because I don’t want to be with her/him all the time?” can storm someone’s mind… In other words, how do I ask for and take time alone in a relationship, feel good about it, and help my partner feel good about it?

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Genoveve, the best, most healthy, relationships have plenty of together time and also plenty of alone time. However, most people don’t know this. Even if they feel the need for space from their loved one intuitively, they are not comfortable asking for and taking the alone time. Let me tell you, though, that a relationship without alone time will eventually disintegrate because of an accumulation of resentments because of lack of space from each other.

The steps to successfully taking alone time in a relationship are as follows:

1. Know you and your partner need time away from each other and start to talk about this with your partner.

2. When discussing time alone with your partner, emphasize how important the time together is for you and how taking time away from each other will make the time together even better.

3. Let your partner know that when you are away, you will genuinely miss him or her, but will need to focus on yourself. Encourage him or her to do the same.

4. If possible, establish regular time alone. Say every Wednesday night from 6 to 9 pm, or every Saturday night at your house as opposed to at his place.

5. If your partner resists or can’t get over your need for time and space alone, keep talking about why it’s important to you and the relationship, and get him or her to read this blog. Ask your partner to talk about why it’s hard for him or her to accept space and time away from you.

To help you communicate successfully with your partner, get the Essential Communication Course for Couples and the  Increase Intimacy in Your Relationship eCourses. These will help you overcome difficult communication blocks that otherwise make people stop communicating with each other.

6. When taking time away from your partner, keep self-doubt and fear of whether you are doing the right thing at bay. Remind yourself that you and the relationship will be better off rather than worst off for you taking alone time. When the angst comes, know that it will pass and keep refocusing your attention on the tasks at hand.

7. If your partner absolutely refuses to give you alone time, it’s time for relationship intervention, as this will lead to serious problems down the road. For example, the person who is now refusing to give you alone time will be spending more time away from you in the not too distant future so as to get some alone time, as everyone needs alone time in a relationship and will take it regardless of his or her views on it.

If you need help, email me and let’s see how I can help you.
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I’ve been hurt and cheated on so many times, how do I get past that and let someone love me with me loving that someone back?

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Deanna, there is no easy answer to your question, but here is the truthful answer.

First, you need to figure out why you allowed into your life people who would cheat on you and hurt you. Not that it was your fault, but you need to understand why it happened, so that you can prevent it from happening again. I have an eclass I created just for this purpose that you can purchase at my websites – it’s called PatternTracker.

Then you need to learn what a healthy relationship looks like and what a healthy man looks like, so that you can stop putting up with people who can’t give you the love you want. You should learn about healthy relationships and healthy men even if you are already starting to be involved with someone new – you don’t want to get hurt yet again.  I also have created an eCourse to help people recognize what is healthy and find healthy people, and it’s available on my website – it’s called Whom Are You Dating.

Last, you need to let go of the hurt and pain from all of your past relationships, so that you can move unencumbered into the future. There is no course for this yet, but I can teach you how to let go of the past by working with you in individual coaching.

Even you, after being hurt and cheated on so many times, can have a healthy, happy, satisfying relationship. You just need to do some work to get there.

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