Q: Fran Asks:
Dear Love Coach, I am in my early 40’s and so is he. We have been dating for a number of months. I like him and he seems to like me. My friends tell me that he is very much into me, but I am not feeling it. He doesn’t call much and he doesn’t seem eager to see me. Instead we seem to have settled into a routine and there seems to be not much excitement. What can I do? ~ Fran
A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:
Fran, here’s something I know for sure. When a man’s into you he will call and will be eager to see you, and so it seems that he’s not that into you. Perhaps he’s dating you because you are easy to be with, nice enough or safe. If you want to form a relationship based on those feelings, great. But if you keep moving forward with this relationship you will keep feeling the same way – as if something is missing.
Let me explain bit more. People are typically on their best behavior, their most enamored, romantic behavior at the start of the relationship. So what you are seeing from this guy right now is his best and top most enamored behavior towards you. And it’s making you feel like something is missing. This means as you go forward, you will either feel the same, or even more as if something is missing.
Some people believe that as they fall in love there will be more romance, more affection, and this is true. But, only of relationships where there is already romance and affection to start with, where there’s “into each other” feelings to start with.
If your relationship continues, the two of you might even get married, but the relationship will be based on be milquetoast sort of feelings. You will likely not reach the “in love” stage at all in this relationship. And if that is ok with you, then keep going, because you may end up in a steady safe relationship. But, if you are already craving more, consider how much more you will crave as the time goes on.
As to what you can do, the answer is nothing. You can not make someone more into you if he or she is not. You can not change someone you are dating, and you can not change his or her feelings. Sure, you can pay him more compliments, do more things for him, accommodate him more, give him more and ask for less. And he might fall in love with those actions or words and that may make him stick around more. But his feelings will not change for you, so his behavior towards you will not change. There is nothing you can do to make him act more into you.
A person is either into you or he (or she) is not. If those feelings change, it won’t be because of something you did or did not do. And you deserve to be with someone who’s very much into you. I suggest you go out and find THAT man.
And if you want help attracting a partner who’s very much into you, get in touch with me. Learning to attract the right partner is one of the more important ways in which I help my clients.
From the Heart,
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Rinatta- Once again you’ve hit the mark. I think people should focus on these things because they surface early on. In “early” relationships they are are subtle but they are definitely there. I think its best described as that nagging feeling you get when something is off.
Absolutely! I always say you know even if only subconsciously what will be the downfall of the relationship in the first couple dates. Listen to what your heart tells you. THANKS RINATTA!
Thank you Tracey. It’s uncanny, but I think people often know what the downfall maybe in the first 15 minutes. If they would only trust themselves.
And thanks for commenting Jodi. Nagging feeling, anxiety, doubts…It’s best if what you feel is interest, curiosity, calm - then you know something good might happen.
Rinatta:
Is it possible that it is just not the right “time”? I have had experiences where perhaps I have met someone, we saw eachother for a little and then things didnt progress. A few months later for one reason or another the same person contacted me and for one reason or another (maybe they were ready??) the dating and relationship progressed even better (again– maybe they were willing to put in the time? Maybe they realized they didnt give themselves enough time to get to know you? etc..etc.. Im asking this because it does seem that this He’s either into you or not is very black and white and just wondering if it makes sense that maybe if you/we as women just let it be (without obsessing of course) and without pressure etc… that perhaps that guy will just come our way on his own? Not saying to sit around and wait for it but if you feel you had a good date and you came across in your best demeanor and he just didnt call or text back…. it has to do with him more than ourselves and perhaps if and when he is ready he will remember that nice girl he had a date with and be willing to give it a chance (thats if we are still around
What are your thoughts on this?
You’re so right about men being on their best behavior early on. It’s funny, because if a woman were exhibiting this behavior it would be obvious to women that she wasn’t that in to him, but we don’t see it so clearly when men behave that way.
We are all on our best behavior in the beginning.
So many of us don’t stop to really let that reality sink in. We have this “ideal” in our heads of what we want it to be, and want to believe it will get better, but…
searchingwithin’s last blog post..How Will We Love?
i just want to if he didn`t love me also he isn`t in love bt curies about knowing i love him or not he likes me to love him but no more love towards me what should i do plz coach rinatta tell me
Wow!!! I’ve never heard it put so well. The same thing is happing in my life an I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you do. You are so blessed with a gift that could only come from God. Again THANK YOU!!!!!!