Q: Anna asks:
We have been married for three years and this has gone on since. I never know when or for how long, he finally told me that his ex who he was for 8 yrs had them same "complaints” as he calls my concerns, he really doesn’t have a reason to offer me. When we are emotionally connected its great but for no apparent reason he leaves emotionally. I have tried discussing this with him, writing my feelings to offer to do anything to prevent this from happening again but I get no real answer We went to counseling tried 3 different ones trying to find one that wouldn’t come to the conclusion that he is an emotional cripple what can be done. I’ve been told my counselors that i need to accept this and not take it personally or leave the marriage because the pain is destroying me. Do you have any ideas for me.
A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:
Anna, your husband leaves emotionally when the two of you get too close. Perhaps not too close for you – but for some reason too close for him. Don’t try to figure out what you can do to make him not go away. Short of keeping your distance at all times, nothing you do will make a difference.
Well, that is not exactly right. There are many things you can do to make this situation better, but nothing that you can naturally come up with will work. Being nicer, not causing arguments, trying to please him will not work. He abandons you because he experiences intimacy as threatening. Being nicer will only make him run away faster as when you are nicer there is probably more intimacy.
So what do you do? First read "How Do I Get Through To You" by Terry Real. Offer your husband the opportunity to read it as well. Then take the advice of the therapists and learn to live without emotional closeness with your husband – not for always, but for now. Build your self-esteem and your internal strength so that you are fine on your own and are not affected by his behavior.
Then you can start to work on helping him learn how not to run away from you.
I can help you with this process, and give you specific steps along the way to save your marriage. And I can offer you the support and comfort you so desperately need now and through this process. If you want my help, let me know and we can set up our first advice & coaching session and figure out your strategy.
Good luck and know that you are ok regardless of what your husband is doing or not doing.
From the Heart,