Three months later and we still need help. I’ll contact you directly to set up a session.

Thank you,
Candy

What I would do is tell him you are going to work with a Love Coach to help you be healthier in your relationship with him. See what he says. If you say nothing about him, he should not have a big reaction.

If you do decide to get my help, I would want to hear what exactly is going on in the relationship day to day, what leads to this emotional shutdown and where else are intimacy issues showing up. Then I would teach you to deal with you guy more effectively, so that both of you have more of a fighting chance of keeping this relationship healthy and satisfying.

Does this answer the questions you were asking, give you the help you were looking for?
Let me know what I can do for you.

Love Coach Rinatta Paries

Uncle, I give up, I do not know how to work myself out of this negative spiral that is destroying a wonderful man, woman (me), and a wonderful relationship. I have been sitting on this blog response from you for the past 3 or 4 weeks now and while I have seriously contemplated asking for your help, I have not done so for several reasons. The most important reason being that I don’t want to do anything “behind my lovers back”.

I have suggested several times that a few counseling sessions would be a good idea for us before we get married (we have been living together for 15 months) and never got a reply back. After pushing the topic a few weeks ago, I finally got a reply. With a contorted, red face (did I mention that flames were shooting out of his eyes?) he said, “I’m not ready to do that yet”.

Yesterday morning in the heat of an argument, I finally said the words “you have some intimacy issues”. It actually felt very good to say them. I have avoided those words like the plague while still trying to convey the same message for months now because I KNEW how he would respond. “If you really think that, you are not the right woman for me.”

We have not made eye contact or spoken a single word to each other (other than polite, short, conversations regarding meals etc.) since that time. This is nothing new for us—this is our norm for days (sometimes weeks) after any verbal “rub” no matter how big or how small. What is different this time is that I am intentionally distancing myself from him. I did not “melt” as usual when he finally gave me a good morning kiss for the first time in days. What can I say? I really think that he has some intimacy issues and therefore I might not be the right person for him. I feel like it would be foolish of me not to put on my “emotional life jacket” this time and try to protect my heart from further injury.

So Rita, help!

And yes, I know you don’t know me, yet here you are on my blog, talking about your relationship issues. I want you to know that paying for help is nothing out of ordinary. If you really want to be happy in your relationship I really can help by teaching you just exactly how to teach him – and yourself – to create the kind of relationship you really want with him.

Thank you for your reply…and you are right! Funny how timing works in this life, I just came to the same conclusion re: putting it out there and then just letting it be a little over an hour ago. After having a very hard heart to heart last night I woke up this morning knowing that his personally would not allow him to be “loving” (and I easily accept that part of him) but that today would be more pleasant because some of the stress had been relieved. And I was right, it was not at all a loving day, but it was a very pleasant day for me. In fact he was very preoccupied all day and in spite of a few unsuccessful efforts on my part to engage him in conversation, we only had a very small handful of short, superficial, exchanges.

Well just as I was patting myself on the back at the end of the day for not taking his inattentiveness personally and allowing myself to go about my day enjoying every simple pleasure. Everyone is entitled to a “me” day when their focus is on other issues and they overlook their mate—right? Well, I was dumbfounded when he asked me if I was all right because I had been quiet and had not initiated any conversation with him all day. He was honestly concerned that I might still be upset.

After bring up several examples of times during the day that I had indeed initiated conversations with him several times, I assured him that I had a very pleasant day on my own and that I was hot harboring any ill feelings or resentments—I could see by the look on his face that he was completely clueless. I did share the thought (and the small hurt) that came to my mind after hearing him say that. I simply asked him, “If you thought I was upset all day long, why did you wait until the end of the day to check on me?”

He went for a short walk and came back in a pleasant enough mood. But for the few moments he was gone, all I could say to myself is—I don’t get any better than this. I can “do more” and “try harder” but the bottom line is—this is as good as I get. Many men would be thrilled to have a woman the respected their need to take care of other things today. And that is all I did, respect him for being him…I didn’t whine, complain, or demand attention…I was simply happy being me.

I’m still not open to the idea that this is not the right man for me—because he is—he really is doing the BEST he can do to figure this all out and he really and truly loves me and also wants this to work. I know this is true with every fiber of my being. But, all I can do for now is, “put it out there and then just let it be”.

I think you can try to hard to convince someone you love them. It may be a lack in their self-confidence (or they just aren’t in to you). It seems to me you put it out there and then just let it be (easy to say). But really, you need to have the confidence that if it is meant to be, then it will be. If not, you may have to move on. That’s just the way I see it.