Q: RR asks:
I have started a romantic affair with my next-door neighbor. We both are very fond of each other. We were friends a couple of months before we started kissing. Now we are getting close to having sex. I am completely love sick. I was so confident, but now that I have feelings for her, I feel insecure. I know her and I would have a great relationship. How could I get past this insecure feeling and let this relationship flourish?
A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:
RR, space and time away will make you more grounded and strong again. Often in relationships we get too close and do not give ourselves or the other person enough space. As a result we begin to feel lost. Spend a day or a few hours each day without her, tending to yourself and your life and do this on a regular basis and you will find yourself returning to yourself. Do this even if you don’t want to, and force yourself not to think about her when you are on your own.
Just be sure to tell her very gently that the space away does not mean anything except you just need time and space to tend to yourself. Make sure she knows you are not abandoning her.
Also be sure that you do not give into the longing to be together during the time you decided to devote to yourself. Let the longing be there, but focus on you.
If you able to do this, you will restore your confidence and be in love without being love sick.
Related Resource: Love Coaching. Are you feeling love sick or abscessed with another person? That is a dangerous place from which to have a relationship and usually leads to a breakup. Work with me as your coach and let me teach you ways to calm and ground yourself.
From the Heart,
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
This is really excellent advice, for people in any stage of a relationship. I have been with my boyfriend now for about 3 months, and up until 3 days ago we had spent time with each other every day for at least two weeks. I have not had any large chunks of alone time due to this, but now that he is out of town for a few days I have had a chance to tend to other areas of my life such as corresponding with relatives and friends, reading up on things that are of interest to me, etc.. and I feel really good! Better than I did before he left! I am reminded of why I like me, and why if I were anyone else I’d be crazy not to want to find out all the things I have to offer and share. Stay in touch with yourself, reenergize, gain perspective.. I am finding these things are very crucial to my success in being myself.. the only time I feel uncomfortable or insecure around members of the opposite sex, or anyone for that matter, is when I feel like who I really am isn’t shining through for whatever reason. I have made the commitment to myself to be more assertive with my boyfriend about making alone time for myself. I tried this before and got that familiar itch to call him to see what he was up to and when we could get together again, and gave in.. it’s natural to want to be with the one you like,or love,but just remember to be yourself and not let emotional cravings boss you around.
Hi Rinatta. Going back to your advice to RR, how does the person who asks for time out (in this case, RR) make sure that they don’t start feeling insecure during their time out? I can see how questions such as ‘is she/he unhappy because I want this time to myself…are they going to leave me because I don’t want to be with them all the time…’ can storm someone’s mind…
Genoveve, see reply to your question on post titled “How Do I Take Time Alone In a Relationship” under Relationship category
ive been with my girlfriend for 6 months but feel really insecure always thinking she,s cheating even deep down i know she isn,t.This all stems back to a previous relationship were my partner did cheat .she is a wonderfull woman full of confidence which i seem to lack how can i stop feeling the way i do as she has said if it carries on then thats it.
I seem to have this same on-going problem. I consider myself a very confident person. But when I am in a relationship, if I start to feel that I am falling in love, I lose every tiny little scrape of confidence I have. I begin to feel jealous of my boyfriend’s lady friends, I feel like it’s ridiculous that he could ever like me, I tend to get really emotional. And these are all things that I realize ruin relationships. All I want is to be as happy as I was when our relationship first began. But now I kind of just wish we’d break up because I feel like it’s too hard to be in love. It’s too hard to really trust someone with your heart. The other thing is that I lose confidence in every aspect of my life, not just my love life. I know that time away is supposed to help, but I wonder if maybe my problem is deeper than that. We spent ten days apart and have been together for the last three, but he is staying with me. Yesterday I began to feel insecure and unconfident again. Is it just that we were staying together? Or do I have some kind of deeper confidence problem?