How Do I Deal With His Insecurity
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Category: Affairs Q & A, BreakUps & Divorce Q & A, Dating Q & A, Marriage Q & A, Relationship Q & A, Singles Q & A.
Q. Carey asks:
Hi! I am 33 and have been dating what seems to be a very insecure guy who is a bit younger than me. He is very jealous, and is always accusing me of wanting to break up with him or of having another man. I thought maybe he was trying to tell me that HE indeed wanted to break up, but when I confronted him, he said he never wanted to break up with me. I am a little tired of all of it, but I really do like this guy. Can you give me any advice on how to stop this game he plays? Thank you
A. Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:
Carey, your guy has one of two things going on. Either he is very insecure indeed and is asking for reassurance, or he is trying to build up his selfesteem by demanding that you declare your faithfulness and affection for him on a regular basis.
To find out which one of these two things is going on, take a look at the rest of his life. If he is timid and hesitant, needing lots of reassurance in general, then he really is just insecure. Insecurity is annoying to deal with, but there are worst things, and it can get better with time and some help.
On the other hand, if he seems more self-centered and selfish in the rest of his life, then he is using you to build up or keep up his selfesteem. This is more problematic, but it can still be dealt with effectively.
Here is what you need to do:
1. Realize that he is not playing a game – he is trying to get his emotional needs met in a relationship, same as everyone else. Meeting emotional needs is why people get into relationships. He is just going about it the wrong way.
2. Examine how you may be contributing to the problem. Do you flirt with others? Do you do things to make him jealous? Do you ignore him or his needs when he tries to talk to you about them? Clean your side of the street and make sure you give him no reason to distrust you.
3. Let him know that you are not willing to fix his insecurity and fulfill his need for reassurance, since his need seems to go far beyond the norm. Let him know you would be happy to talk about how he feels, as long as he knows that what he feels are HIS feelings and have nothing to do with your action or your character.
4. Challenge him to look for the root of his feelings in past relationships and his childhood instead of looking at you as the cause of them.
If this doesn’t work, you may have to let him go, as constantly reassuring someone of your faithfulness and love, especially when you are doing nothing wrong, is impossible to do without resentment.
Want me to support you through this process with your boyfriend? Consider setting up a ProblemSolver Advice & Coaching Session in which I will teach you how to speak to him so that he will hear you on this issue, yet not offend him or turn him off.
From the Heart,
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on December 28, 2006 @ 4:13 am
I am 20 years old, and I am very insecure in my relationship. I have had my heart broken by the relationship before my girlfriend that I have now. I always find stupid little things to second guess myself about her like: whether I will come up short in bed with her or she might leave me for another man. I don’t know what to do or how to get over my insecurities because I really like this girl, and I want it to work out because I don’t want to do something to her that I will regret. Will you please help me?
on January 25, 2007 @ 12:40 pm
I am having the same problem in my long-term relationship with a three hour distance between us. We took a break and got back together over the winter break, but I find myself not as secure as I thought I would feel just knowing we are together. I try to avoid sounding insecure but often end up calling & asking the same questions about if he’s happy with me and I constantly think about it. I’m seeing a therapist and I really hope I can overcome this insecurity but if you have any feedback or suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.
on April 9, 2007 @ 1:49 pm
I’m sure this is difficult to get over, but I am in a relationship now where HE is VERY insecure about everything; our relationship, me, and ultimately himself.
I am ending the relationship tonight because of the fact that it hurts ME to constantly be questioned. It makes me feel like I’m slacking in departments that I’m doing just fine in, and ultimately has contributed to very tiny little arguments that turn into huge screaming matches. I know it’s hard to get over insecurity (I had to at one point) but just keep in mind that if you are insecure about your relationship, you are bringing the relationship down and it could eventually end in…well…it could eventually end!
One thing that so many people I know fail to realize is that if two people are in a relationship, there are usually some strong mutual feelings, and questioning your partner’s feelings makes them feel like they’re not doing enough, and it eventually can frustrate them to the point of breakup.
on July 3, 2007 @ 10:31 am
I HAVE BEEN ON AND OFF IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR ABOUT A YEAR NOW, BUT WE HAVE STAYED TOGETHER WITHOUT ANY BREAK UPS FOR ABOUT 2 MONTHS NOW. THE PREVIOUS BOYFRIEND THAT I HAD BEFORE HIM TREATED ME VERY BADLY AND CHEATED ON ME MORE THAN ONCE. I WAS DEEPLY HURT AND DID NOT BELIEVE THAT I COULD EVEN LOVE AGAIN, UNTIL I FOUND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, WHOM I AM CURRENTLY IN A RELATIONSHIP AT THE MOMENT. SOMETIMES AROUND SEPTEMEBER OF 2006 I MOVED BACK TO GEORGIA AND WE HAD BROKEN UP. DURING MY TIME STAYING THERE MY BOYFRIEND GOT ENGAGED TO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER FEMALE AND THEY HAD FALLEN INLOVE. I MOVED BACK TO MY RESIDENCE NOW IN JANUARY OF 2007 AND HIS GIRLFRIEND THAT HE HAD WHEN I MOVED , MOVED TO PHILLY IN FEB. OF 2007. ME AND HIM ARE NOW ENGAGED IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS DOING VERY WELL. HOWEVER I AM VERY INSECURE WHEN IT COMES TO HIM AND HIS EX GIRLFRIEND TALKING, KNOWING THE HISTORY THAT THEY HAD TOGETHER EVEN THOUGH HE AND I WERE ENGAGED IN A RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HAND. SOMETIMES WHEN HE IS AROUND FEMALES I FIND MYSELF ASKING HIM A MILLION QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PERSON THAT HE WAS TALKING TO OR I WILL GET EXTREMELY QUIET. HE SAID THAT HE IS USED TO ME ACTING THIS WAY ALTHOUGH I AM VERY FRIGHTENED THAT HE WILL LEAVE ME SOMEDAY BECAUSE OF MY INSECURITY. HE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE HIM. PLEASE HELP ME AND TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO.
on July 3, 2007 @ 11:03 am
I NEED HELP!MY RELATIONSHIP SEEMS TO BE GOING NO WHERE.I’VE BEEN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP FOR ALMOST 7 MONTHS!IN THE BEGGING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP AROUND THE SECOND MONTH I TOLD MY “X” I LOVED HIM,HE SAID IT TO ME AND I SAID IT BACC JUST TO BOOST HIS HEAD UP I REALLY DIDNT MEAN IT AND I DIDNT MEAN TO. MY PARTNER FOUND OUT AND I LIED TO HIM ABOUT IT AND HE KNEW I WAS LYIN SO WE BROKE UP FOR LIKE 2 HOURS AND WE GOT BACC TOGETHER.SINCE THEN HE ALWAYS THINKS IM LYIN AND CHEATING ON HIM.I DO HAVE A PASSED ABOUT CHEATIN ON MY BOYFRIENDS,BUT ITS DIFFERENT THIS TIME “IM IN LOVE WITH HIM” IM FIRST TRUE LOVE.AND IM NOT GOING TO DO THAT TO HIM.I’VE TRIED TO MAKE IT UP AND PROVE TO HIM IM SORRY AND IM REALLY NOT CHEATIN ON HIM,HE’S THE ONLY ONE FOR ME AND THE ONLY ONE I WANT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. HE TELLS ME HE WANT TO BE WIT ME FOREVA AND GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS AND ALL THAT BUT HOW ARE WE GOING TO BE ABLE TO HAVE A FUTURE WITH ALL THAT IF HE CANT FORGIVE ME FOR WHAT I DID AND TRY TO TRUST ME AGAIN.PEOPLE SAY IF U DONT HAVE TRUST YOU DONT HAVE NOTHING WELL IM PROVING THEM WRONG IN A BAD WAY I GUESS?LOL?CUZ HE DOSENT TRUST ME BUT WERE STILL TOGETHER AFTER 5 MONTHS SINCE THAT HAPPENED.I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO TO GET HIM TO TRUST ME AGAIN AND FOR HIM TO STOP THINKING IM CHEATING ON HIM.I NEED HELP WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP AND NOTHING SO FAR IS WORKIN,BUT YET WE STILL MANAGE TO BE IN LOVE WITH EACHOTHER AND STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.BUT SHIT NEEDS TO CHANGE I NEED HELP TO FIX IT ANY IDEAS?I WOULD HIGHLY APPRECIATE IT!
on July 31, 2007 @ 8:37 pm
Hi. My fiance and I keep having all of these little arguments here and there. I feel like i’m doing my part, but every time I talk to a friend I haven’t talked to in 6 months, he gives me a big lecture of “I don’t like him, I think he wants to sleep with you, that’s why he’s always hanging out with girls” But i’ve been friends with this guy for 4 years! Other than that, my fiance always lectures me and tells me not to go any farther and to stop “it” before it starts. He keeps telling me he loves me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and then he goes back and threatens our relationship over me talking to my guy friend. Yea, i know he has had a bad relationship in high school, and I keep reminding him that i’m not her. But, I don’t know what to do any more. I remind him that i Love him, we’re GREAT together, we always laugh and we get along, but every once in a while he gets really insecure about me talking to my guy friends, and he keeps warning me about the work force of guys wanting to hook up with me when I’m married. I keep reminding him that i’m not going to leave him and I know when to stop. Then he says, “I trust you Amanda! it’s just that I don’t trust him and blah blah blah.” What else could I do to help him stop being so insecure, and let him know that our relationship is going to work out? Please help!
on August 14, 2007 @ 7:32 pm
I would actually give this advice. Just an add-on to Rinatta Paries’s advice.
People hardly or even never change. If you love him, you need to accept that part of him. Some people enjoy their boyfriend to be jealous for them and some doesn’t.
Either way is your choice. When you start to be with anyone, you will notice everyone have their own problem. There are very few couples who love each other until their 60s.
These couples didn’t really survive through their relationships but actually enjoy it. They have different habits and personalities too. The only difference: Accept!
When you accept people, you can start to love them. You will not be upset about who they are and you enjoy being with them.
on August 21, 2007 @ 8:53 pm
im only 17 and i am very insecure…and i always make my gf think im mad…and i only do it to get attention i think…i dont know…i wrote this when i was mad “everything happens ffor a reaons…everything happens for a reason…everything happens for a reason…everything happens for a reson…everything happens for a reason…everythinhg happens for a rerson…everything happens for a reason…everything happens for a reason…everything happens for a reason…everything happens for a reason…everythinhg happens for a reson…everything happens for a reason…everytihng happens for a reason…why i dont know who made it that way…god?…buda?…the earth no one knows…i sure as hell dont know…but its true…it really does…i know that everything i do happens for a reson…but most of the time its just bad…my life is like a movie…something amazing happens one day…and the then the next day…catastrophy…why?…again…no one knows…this is all new to me…i have never been in a serious relationship for this long…does she know how much she meens to me?…i dont know….do i know how much i mee to her…do i?…i dont know that either…am i wrighting this so that away she will read it…am i wrighting this for attention?…i dont fucking know…its a way to vent….i can hear her down stairs…laughing and stuff…why do i have to still have a bad attitude…honeslty i was only trying to give her a massage…but again…something i was trying to do nice turned into something bad…haha i try and get alot of pitty.huh? she always thinks something is wrong…when its not…you know it…i know sometimes i am only trying to get attention…i used ti lie alot to get attention…i dated so may girls and i only did it for attention…yeah i was a “player” of sorts….but did i feel good…no…i felty insecure…just like i always do…why…is it because of my mom?…probably!….i dont know…is it because i was kidnapped…i dont know….but what i do know is that i need to chill the fuck out…and just let shit go…if i wouldnt look so far into shit…it wouldnt seem so bad…but i make things ouit to be worse than they are…yup…thats me!…..well all i know is that i love her and if i keep fucking up im gonna lose her…so stop!” and i dont know does any one have any advice for me?
on October 7, 2007 @ 4:04 pm
When you live in a society that wants you to have “everything” and provide it all for you and your family yet it’s too hard to do and you come out short, we seek the comfort of the one’s we partner with.
We take things out on them. We accuse them of our shortcomings. We make them the ones who cause the problems in the relationship because we want the reassurance of love. No betrayal. The whole world will fall apart if they can’t recieve their dose of it.The love coach is doing a great job but I too wanted to add my thoughts.
on October 10, 2007 @ 7:08 am
I was in total agreement with the article, until I read this:
“If this doesn’t work, you may have to let him go, as constantly reassuring someone of your faithfulness and love, especially when you are doing nothing wrong, is impossible to do without resentment.”
Why is it so wrong to ask for regular reassurances that you are loved? And how is that such a difficult thing to ask someone to do? Seems like, uh, the least someone can do for their partner. And I don’t think it is at all too much to ask of a human. Didn’t John Lennon say all you need is love? Some of these posts I read and think that love is a commodity that is only to be doled out sparingly, or rationed out to a person because they only deserve so much of it. Character flaws are one thing, but hell who isn’t insecure in this world and day? Nuclear bombs and chemical warfare… shit all us insecure people are asking for is an extra hug once in a while, lol.
Problem is nobody appreciates the little things they have and insecurities are magnified when a person feels that they are being taken for granted. Like they say it’s the little things. If your partner is asking for more attention, then do some more little things. It’s not going tokill you to be nicer. Heck it’s the basic foundation and single most important tenent of every single well known religion on Earth: Love one another. When in doubt, love them harder.
on November 28, 2007 @ 10:04 am
Here is the thing I have been in a relationship for about 6 months this is the first girl I have felt real “love” with. The problems that have been occuring are big ones.
Where I stand now, We live together and it is starting to feel like I have a roommate and not a girlfriend anymore not only that but sex is tossed out the window sometimes we go as lon as two weeks with out sex and then I have to do everything I can just to get some, she is not into physical affection at all and I have been trying to get her to adjust to the simple goodbye hello kisses but she does not see the need she also does not see the need to remind me she loves me and has feelings for me ever I am just to assume that which is fine if she is doing everything right, the problem is she hasnt hell she even cheated on me with her Ex-boyfriend and told me the only reason she went over that night is because she doubted our relationship, she never told me this hell she did not even lead on to the fact the she was doubting it then she comes home tells me what happend and said now I realioze I really do love you blah blah blah. Well why does she get to go out and test waters I feel like this is horrible unfair. I also think there is nothing wrong with asking for some extra I love being with you and this is a good relationship. every once in awhile and if he asks just tell him and he will eventually get the hint that you do love him/her and will quite asking.
on December 15, 2007 @ 7:41 pm
Great article, and Blog! I found you doing some research and looking for some very good blogs that are dealing with relationships and marriage, but especially all the aspects of divorce… Because, I believe that it has and will always be a factor of communication that is the key to any good relationship and that the lack of it, is where the trouble starts for every marriage… Whether it be money, alcohol and drugs, adultery, pornography or and abuse in every form of mental, spiritual, and yes physical will all lead back to one thing, and that is no real communication, especially after reading this post it reminds me how important it really is…Keep up the good work on all of our behalf’s. Thank you, Howard M.
on February 17, 2008 @ 6:16 pm
Hi -
I’ve been in a relationship with a fantastic woman for just about a year. However, due to a recently self-diagnosed codependency issue on my part, I have been constantly demanding of her affection and time - basically taking up most of the emotional space, creating a real imbalance. After what seemed to me a wonderful xmas with her folks and romantic New Years getaway, followed by talk of moving in together, we had an argument brought on by her admitting to feeling uncomfortable about the proposed moving in. This led to a decision over the phone for us to have a weeklong break. This break went on for two weeks, with her making no contact with me whatsoever. I dropped off a couple of things at her house through the mail slot, but made no attempt to invite myself in. A few unacknowledged e-mails from me went by until finally I went to her house and, after her house-mate let me in, found her in the kitchen - where we went into each other’s arms. A long evening went by, with me pretty much dominating the conversation, blah blah blah. In the end, she said that the lack of pressure she felt through being together was virtually absent the last two weeks. She still needed time to reflect on what she wanted, saying that she could not put a timeframe on it - “It could take another two weeks, a month, six months. But what’s six months to a lifetime?” I told her that she was worth waiting for.
She took me out for my birthday the next week, attended my birthday party the following night, invited me to dinner at hers a couple of nights later (I responded to the message too late), went for dinner a week later, where some suggestive advances were made by her, with no follow-up - all with little to no communication in between the days. This lack of contact has been absolute hell for me, leading me to wonder if her interest will wane through non-togetherness to the point of disappearing altogether.
What can I do to reignite the love that I believe is there, yet respect her obvious need for space? How can there be shared intimacy with all this distance? Where’s the opportunity for growth? I am learning a great deal about the afore-mentioned codependency traits that exist in me (due to a dysfunctional family environment with an alcoholic father). But, after a number of failed relationships, I do believe that this woman is someone with whom I desire more than anything to grow with and truly open her heart. It’s just that I don’t trust these imposed absences and times apart, to not be wedges and impediments to the relationship as a whole.
Any advice more than welcome! Thank you.