Q: Bett asks:
My two-year relationship with a man who is 15 years my senior has just ended. I have struggled for over a year with his inability to commit to me and his ongoing relationship with his ex-wife. Due to his having an affair throughout their 14 year marriage, he has developed a relationship with her that is based on dependence, guilt and obligation. He spends holidays, many family occasions, and some vacations with her and their college age children. It’s almost as if they are still married, yet he had this intimate relationship with me which the children and ex-wife were aware of. Was it unrealistic for me to expect that I was to be an important relationship in his life and to expect that he would respect my needs to be a priority? I was respectful of his relationship with his children, but the way it was set up was his ex-wife orchestrated the children’s lives and he just joined in as if they were still an intact family. I had many a sleepless night over this situation, until I could not stand to be the "other woman" any longer. Do you have any thoughts or experience with this type of relationship?
A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:
Bett, some people are just unavailable. It almost doesn’t matter what makes them unavailable – it could be their ex-marriage, it could be drugs or alcohol, it could be TV, it could be work, it could be food, it could be sports. I could go on and on.
The bottom line is that people who are unavailable are that way because they cannot allow themselves to be fully present in a relationship. Usually this is from a deep fear of closeness and being hurt deeply early in their lives.
When you are with someone who is unavailable, unless they know and see that they are unavailable and want more for themselves, there will be no change. An unavailable person can only become available through self-realization. Then deep work is necessary to uncover what has kept him or her unavailable, followed by healing of those things and learning new relationship behavior.
I am glad you saw the light about your relationship – that you were with a man who was uncomfortable with intimacy and for that reason maintaining two relationships. You intuitively understood that he could not be fully with either you or his ex-wife.
So what to do in these situations? If the person you are with does not see that he or she is unavailable after repeated attempts by you to show him or her what’s really going on, there is only one thing to do – leave. A relationship with an unavailable person is painful, and you don’t need that kind of pain.
Then you need to learn how to pick partners who are available, so that you don’t have to deal with this painful issue again. This is not an easy task, as you have to become an expert at reading people.
If you want to learn to read people like a pro, figure out what kind of a person you need to be in a relationship with and then be able to recognize that person when you are dating him or her, get my Whom Are You Dating eCourse.
From the Heart,
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
In your letter, you stated, “due to his having an affair throughout their 14 year marriage, he has developed a relationship with her that is based on dependence, guilt and obligation.” This statement is key: if a man has been systematically unfaithful to his spouse — especially the mother of his children — what makes you think he will miraculously evolve into the loving, faithful partner that you desire? Past behavior, Bett, is the best predictor of future actions. Seek the support of friends, gather your strength, and leave this relationship. Only then will you find the kind of love that you want and deserve.
sorry that break my heart to see this happen to you i am sorry to hear that as a male mines is the same wish we could have meet . happy holidays ed
Wow, I am amazed at the seemingly coincidence of your situation, as I find myself in some very similar to yours. It is difficult to leave, and I am slowly beginning to let go of someone I have cared and loved deeply for the last two and a half years. But, while he was committed to a certain extent, he was still emotionally available at times - when clearly, intimacy was desired on my end. He picked up on this desire, and each time, got extremely fearful and then backed off. It is an extremely painful process, and it is true - only he can change through self-realization. He has to want to change, and wanting to change, has nothing to do with how beautiful or extraordinary a person you are. He has to do the necessary work himself - this is a hard pill to swallow, even for myself, but I’m finding that I am much more valuable than I once thought. And, I deserve to be receive all that I am capable of giving.
wow Bett, I wonder where your decision has lead you.
I
have chosen to end a rltshp very similar. Its been almost two years. It is time for me to leave. It is a lonely existence being with someone who is unable to become officially divorced. It keeps him tied to a previous life. His ex is very much still a part of his family. Our relationship revolves around their schedule, thee schedule. I have been to two family events in two years, carefully chosen, no ex or daughter there. I continue to be on the every other weekend, the one without his daughter. I feel that he has unresolved issues that fuels an unhealthy indebtedness based on guilty obligation.
I painfully witness this when his twelve year old daughter puts him down in front of me. Thats only one example and most recent.
Enough said.
No longer the “other woman”…….I am so much more than that.
Well. I was amazed reading Bett’s story. Sounds so much like my situation ! I have been in a lot of pain, frustration, stress, sleepless nights etc etc. After one year of this pain I have decided to get out. We had a ” talk” and I let him know how I felt .. … of course he does not want me to go. .. I’m sick of him being in a constant contact with his ex, vacations, lunches together, Christmas …. I do feel like he is still married and I’m his mistress. .. I DO love him. It is very difficult to leave someone you love. This man got under my skin. I do not fall in love that easily. I feel very sad but I have no choice. Dead end relationship with a stringer? no way. I deserve better. Good luck ladies! … I would recommend to read a book ” Men who cannot love”.
In 2000, I met a man with 3 children, I had 2. I fell inlove, I am not sure what he was doing. Same thing, schedule revolved around the x wife, she approved or disapproved of his girlfriends, he entertained the discussions. 2 years after we got married in 2005 he still had her wedding picture in our new martial home bedroom closet in his keepsake box, and all the cards and lamentations he wrote her, when she put his clothes out on the driveway in 1985. Today, he is still licking his wounds, and struggling with suing her as 1 of his dauthers turned out to be a child of an affair, and not biologically his. Even after all of this he continues to try to make sense of it, he goes to therapists as I wonder, why he is stil struggling with it 19 years later. It is now 2007, and I am in the living room wondering why I am still here? I simply don’t know.
My situation is similar. Only I didn’t even get a chance to meet the ex. The relationship only lasted off and on for 6 months! He hadn’t ‘officially’ divorced her when he asked me out. He was extremely honest about all of this. He explained that they would never get back together, he would never put his 10 year old daughter through all of that again.
He chased me, the ‘honeymoon stage’ only lasted for about 1 1/2 months, then things started happeneing. He would initiate intimacy, and then a week later he would pull away saying that he still felt ‘guilty’. This happened a few times. He needed me there for support and sympathy, but after a while… he started pulling away all affection. He was not as open as when we first started dating… it was like talking to a stranger!
Looking back… all the signs were there. He would talk about his ex like he still wished he was with her. She is very well educated, talented (musically), she home schools their daughter and teaches her piano. He suggested at one point that he didn’t want to know if she was seeing anyone because he would think ‘What was wrong with me?’ He felt guilty when she told him that she would never live with a guy again unless she married them… and she didn’t see this happening for a long time if at all.’
The writing is always on the wall with these individuals. Listen to their words as well as take note of their actions. He would talk about going on trips, camping, etc… but each time we had the opportunity to spend time together… something would come up that would cancel these events. He was afraid of his own shadow. Yet he still wanted me around for ‘friendship’ and someone to hang out with ‘until we really got to know each other’.
Even in the end when I asked him if he wanted to work on all of this in order to move forward… or should we just let go… he still didn’t want to answer me! I got upset and left a message on his cel phone saying that I wanted this to work, but that I wasn’t dealing with this very well because I needed to know from him where he was at with everything. He turned it back onto me saying that I was scaring him and that my feelings were too ‘intense’ for him… that it was just way too much for him.
So in the end, he got away with ending it by making me look like a freak and that I was the one at fault! This still hurts. I was always the one who tried to communicate like an adult. Trying to understand where he was comig from and trying to get him to understand my needs and desires…. this all backfired.
When a person is not emotionally available…. they will blame it on anyone they come across and never fully take responsibility for their part in the relationship failing. Until they do their ‘homework’ and realise that their behavior does contribute to the break down of their relationships. We have the responsibility ourselves to see these people for who they really are and let go before we get too involved with them.
I didn’t realise how many of us are in the same boat. I’m divorced and have been in a relationship with a divorced man 12 years my senior. He’s been divorced over 20 years and has grown-up children and small grand-children. Our relationship has been going on for 6 years and I love him very much, almost to the point of obsession. We don’t live together but are together at least twice a week. He never takes me out although he sometimes cooks meals at home.
His ex-wife (they divorced because of infidelity on her part) still constantly phones him when I’m with him making all sorts of excuses for the calls e.g. his grandchildren send regards etc. She also spends weekends in his house as she has old friends living in the area who cannot accommodate her.
He swears to me that their is nothing physical between them but I’m sure that she wants a relationship with him. Before he began the relationship with me, she tried to get him to come back to her but after one week-end he realised that he didn’t want to be with her.
I’ve never met his children or his friends, and our relationship is kept a secret. His ex turns up at all family occasions whereas no one knows I exist. I’ve tried to end the relationship but I’m miserable without him. I’m 52 with grown-up children.
When I broach the subject, he tells me that she’s the mother of his children.
Bett
Your situation sounds so much like mine. I am in a relationship with a man now for four years. He will not divorce his wife, she lives with his father (one minute down the road from him). I was not allowed to meet his daughter until two years into our relationship - she is 12 now. She tricked this man into marrying her by having this child, and she uses this child to get this man running. She goes to his family functions - there have been times that we didn’t even go because of her showing up there. This man ran around on this woman from day one, and she was aware of this, but she allowed him into her bed whenever he wanted her. I do think that he was sleeping with her at the beginning of our relationship - he denies this. They have been separated for 11 years. She will call him fighting with him telling him that he does not see his daughter enough - when he does take his daughter to a function, she will show up. When he has his daughter, she phones every 10 minutes and he allows her to do this…….I do not understand. He is a very intelligent man and he knows exactly what this woman is doing but yet, he allows her to do it. We have broken up many times with his empty promise that he will divorce her. I have even told him that if she will not leave his father’s house that the two of us should leave the community - let her stay there. We do not live together - he has his place and I have my place. We spend about one or two nights together a week because he always “needs” time alone.
I did leave him once and started seeing a very kind, nice man. But he would not leave me alone. He would show up crying and calling crying telling me that he wanted me back and that he was going to divorce her. I do love this man very much and I wanted to believe him, so I went back with him only to find out it was another broken promise. When I do try to break free of this man, he has alot of difficulty in letting me go……..I do not understand this. He knows the problems that his wife causes between us, but yet he will not divorce her and he continues to allow this sick woman to use this child to have contact with him. He has got to enjoy the contact as much as she does or he would not allow it to happen. And he is so kind to his wife…….he will do anything for her and is so kind to her when she phones…..it is sickening. And his wife will not spend a cent on this child……he has to buy everything….everything. Even if she goes away with a friend for a weekend, his wife will have to call him and ask for $20.00 dollars to give her to go away with. It is just a contact scheme…..it is so sad for this child………..I have to get out of this mess….I know it is going to hurt, and it is not going to be easy……but, I deserve so much better.
I met him on-line, both of us divorced adults…..and I was not looking for anything to happen…..I was lonely for conversation and I suppose he was too……….before we knew it….one thing led to the next and we decided to meet………..I never knew he was still involved with his ex-wife and that he had been going through a nasty divorce………………I assumed he was over her and was ready to be available emotionally………….at first he was attentive and I met his daughter and then is son….and it was very positive….but then I noticed that as long as I was saying yes to everything he was fine…..he asked me to move in with him and I said yes because I do love the man…..yet…..even after a couple of years of always reiterating to me that he had a bad breakup and would never consider remarriage with her………..all of a sudden his ex shows up and needs him……she calls him all the time…..several times a day…..he stopped calling me daily as he used to……………it is almost as if he enjoys her contact with him………………….his ex wife even made a plea to him to allow her to rent his other rental property and he said YES!….it is literally down the street from where we live together……..talk about awkward………….and it really hurts………….I am not a game…………his 12 year old daughter is all confused and is struggling to understand how her father can have this one relationship with her mother and another one with me…….I just do not understand his behavior……….he recently took me to meet his family and I stayed with his folks……….but even while we were there he spoke with his ex wife………and it just seemed disrespectful………I do not know how much more I can take…………if I so much as decline something he asks me to do…………he merely gets up and goes to his exwife………..it is driving a huge wedge between us……………as I do not desire him the same way…………..I was truly excited to have him in my life until he started this behavior……….
I am in a similiar situation. I have been seeing a guy who is divorced and has a 6 yr old son. Throughout the relationship my instinct told me something wasn’t right. There has been numerous phone calls back and forth. When she needs something she runs to him and he helps her. He called her to help him when we were on vacation together and I was right next to him. Just recently he has helped her financially and is thinking about taking her and the son back in because she still can’t find a job. He even lied to me about being at work and she had come over with the son, I caught him in the lie. He even admitted to me that sometimes he feels a need to spend some time with the two of them but then regrets it, yeah right!!! He says he doesn’t want me to leave him, I told him he can’t have it both ways. I think I am going to walk away even though it’s hard cuz I love him.
Yes this is so familiar! Been divorced myself a year and dating a guy who has been divorced about 8 months and all the same things are happening. He cannot let go of the ex. She uses the kids to make him do whatever she needs him to and he does it all just to keep her happy. I feel like as long as they are doing ok then we are, but let her get mad and then our relationship starts to develope problems! Is this normal? I don’t feel as though I have him, it is almost like I am sharing him with her! I love this man but is it too much to ask to make him choose me over her? They talk on the phone several times a day and he always thinks of reasons to meet her, but it is always something for the kids. I never want him to put me before his kids but it really bothers me that he can’t let go of this past relationship with the ex. In fact this past relationship is really causing serious problems for ours. I don’t want to leave him, but I really don’t know how much longer I can be made to feel like the”other woman” and be second to her. I really don’t think I can be in this much longer even though I love him and he really is a great guy!! I guess I should have seen from the beginning that he was unavailable, but I didn’t.
TO ALL THE LADIES :
lots of sad different and at the same time - very identical stories - he is with you but his head/ heart/ thoughts - are with her. The situation gives you pain but you, for some reason, are still staying. Love .. Love .. Love … Loves makes us stupid, love brings pain and suffering, love kills. Please , Please, I don’t mean to sound mean - but the reason you are in such a pain is YOU. By being involved in a painful relationship you are unabling yourself to feel that pain over and over again. You better pay $125. to a therapist to find out why you keep doing it to yourself. The trick is to get out as soon as you see that something is fishy. Be Strong and Get out, and Leave the Loser behind. You are a Queen. And who is he to mess with your life like this ? Don’t you have anything better going on in your life ? Really ? So, if you were to die tomorrow - what would necrologist say about your life ? ” … blah-blah- blah .. the 99% of the lady’s life time was spent on daily obsessing over some immature jerk .. lost case… doormat .. blah blah…. . ” BORING and PATHETIC. Can’t you see ? ” NEXT” - this is the only option for you.