Comments on: He Wanted Me and His Ex Wife http://www.asklovecoach.com/meandhisex/ Expert answers to your love and relationship questions from Love and Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries. Thu, 28 Aug 2008 10:42:14 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5 By: Wendy http://www.asklovecoach.com/meandhisex/#comment-133 Wendy Thu, 27 Sep 2007 16:40:47 +0000 http://www.asklovecoach.com/?p=13#comment-133 I didn't realise how many of us are in the same boat. I'm divorced and have been in a relationship with a divorced man 12 years my senior. He's been divorced over 20 years and has grown-up children and small grand-children. Our relationship has been going on for 6 years and I love him very much, almost to the point of obsession. We don't live together but are together at least twice a week. He never takes me out although he sometimes cooks meals at home. His ex-wife (they divorced because of infidelity on her part) still constantly phones him when I'm with him making all sorts of excuses for the calls e.g. his grandchildren send regards etc. She also spends weekends in his house as she has old friends living in the area who cannot accommodate her. He swears to me that their is nothing physical between them but I'm sure that she wants a relationship with him. Before he began the relationship with me, she tried to get him to come back to her but after one week-end he realised that he didn't want to be with her. I've never met his children or his friends, and our relationship is kept a secret. His ex turns up at all family occasions whereas no one knows I exist. I've tried to end the relationship but I'm miserable without him. I'm 52 with grown-up children. When I broach the subject, he tells me that she's the mother of his children. I didn’t realise how many of us are in the same boat. I’m divorced and have been in a relationship with a divorced man 12 years my senior. He’s been divorced over 20 years and has grown-up children and small grand-children. Our relationship has been going on for 6 years and I love him very much, almost to the point of obsession. We don’t live together but are together at least twice a week. He never takes me out although he sometimes cooks meals at home.
His ex-wife (they divorced because of infidelity on her part) still constantly phones him when I’m with him making all sorts of excuses for the calls e.g. his grandchildren send regards etc. She also spends weekends in his house as she has old friends living in the area who cannot accommodate her.
He swears to me that their is nothing physical between them but I’m sure that she wants a relationship with him. Before he began the relationship with me, she tried to get him to come back to her but after one week-end he realised that he didn’t want to be with her.
I’ve never met his children or his friends, and our relationship is kept a secret. His ex turns up at all family occasions whereas no one knows I exist. I’ve tried to end the relationship but I’m miserable without him. I’m 52 with grown-up children.
When I broach the subject, he tells me that she’s the mother of his children.

]]> By: Dee http://www.asklovecoach.com/meandhisex/#comment-135 Dee Mon, 24 Sep 2007 20:00:03 +0000 http://www.asklovecoach.com/?p=13#comment-135 My situation is similar. Only I didn't even get a chance to meet the ex. The relationship only lasted off and on for 6 months! He hadn't 'officially' divorced her when he asked me out. He was extremely honest about all of this. He explained that they would never get back together, he would never put his 10 year old daughter through all of that again. He chased me, the 'honeymoon stage' only lasted for about 1 1/2 months, then things started happeneing. He would initiate intimacy, and then a week later he would pull away saying that he still felt 'guilty'. This happened a few times. He needed me there for support and sympathy, but after a while... he started pulling away all affection. He was not as open as when we first started dating... it was like talking to a stranger! Looking back... all the signs were there. He would talk about his ex like he still wished he was with her. She is very well educated, talented (musically), she home schools their daughter and teaches her piano. He suggested at one point that he didn't want to know if she was seeing anyone because he would think 'What was wrong with me?' He felt guilty when she told him that she would never live with a guy again unless she married them... and she didn't see this happening for a long time if at all.' The writing is always on the wall with these individuals. Listen to their words as well as take note of their actions. He would talk about going on trips, camping, etc... but each time we had the opportunity to spend time together... something would come up that would cancel these events. He was afraid of his own shadow. Yet he still wanted me around for 'friendship' and someone to hang out with 'until we really got to know each other'. Even in the end when I asked him if he wanted to work on all of this in order to move forward... or should we just let go... he still didn't want to answer me! I got upset and left a message on his cel phone saying that I wanted this to work, but that I wasn't dealing with this very well because I needed to know from him where he was at with everything. He turned it back onto me saying that I was scaring him and that my feelings were too 'intense' for him... that it was just way too much for him. So in the end, he got away with ending it by making me look like a freak and that I was the one at fault! This still hurts. I was always the one who tried to communicate like an adult. Trying to understand where he was comig from and trying to get him to understand my needs and desires.... this all backfired. When a person is not emotionally available.... they will blame it on anyone they come across and never fully take responsibility for their part in the relationship failing. Until they do their 'homework' and realise that their behavior does contribute to the break down of their relationships. We have the responsibility ourselves to see these people for who they really are and let go before we get too involved with them. My situation is similar. Only I didn’t even get a chance to meet the ex. The relationship only lasted off and on for 6 months! He hadn’t ‘officially’ divorced her when he asked me out. He was extremely honest about all of this. He explained that they would never get back together, he would never put his 10 year old daughter through all of that again.

He chased me, the ‘honeymoon stage’ only lasted for about 1 1/2 months, then things started happeneing. He would initiate intimacy, and then a week later he would pull away saying that he still felt ‘guilty’. This happened a few times. He needed me there for support and sympathy, but after a while… he started pulling away all affection. He was not as open as when we first started dating… it was like talking to a stranger!

Looking back… all the signs were there. He would talk about his ex like he still wished he was with her. She is very well educated, talented (musically), she home schools their daughter and teaches her piano. He suggested at one point that he didn’t want to know if she was seeing anyone because he would think ‘What was wrong with me?’ He felt guilty when she told him that she would never live with a guy again unless she married them… and she didn’t see this happening for a long time if at all.’

The writing is always on the wall with these individuals. Listen to their words as well as take note of their actions. He would talk about going on trips, camping, etc… but each time we had the opportunity to spend time together… something would come up that would cancel these events. He was afraid of his own shadow. Yet he still wanted me around for ‘friendship’ and someone to hang out with ‘until we really got to know each other’.

Even in the end when I asked him if he wanted to work on all of this in order to move forward… or should we just let go… he still didn’t want to answer me! I got upset and left a message on his cel phone saying that I wanted this to work, but that I wasn’t dealing with this very well because I needed to know from him where he was at with everything. He turned it back onto me saying that I was scaring him and that my feelings were too ‘intense’ for him… that it was just way too much for him.

So in the end, he got away with ending it by making me look like a freak and that I was the one at fault! This still hurts. I was always the one who tried to communicate like an adult. Trying to understand where he was comig from and trying to get him to understand my needs and desires…. this all backfired.

When a person is not emotionally available…. they will blame it on anyone they come across and never fully take responsibility for their part in the relationship failing. Until they do their ‘homework’ and realise that their behavior does contribute to the break down of their relationships. We have the responsibility ourselves to see these people for who they really are and let go before we get too involved with them.

]]> By: soi http://www.asklovecoach.com/meandhisex/#comment-147 soi Tue, 28 Aug 2007 02:13:44 +0000 http://www.asklovecoach.com/?p=13#comment-147 In 2000, I met a man with 3 children, I had 2. I fell inlove, I am not sure what he was doing. Same thing, schedule revolved around the x wife, she approved or disapproved of his girlfriends, he entertained the discussions. 2 years after we got married in 2005 he still had her wedding picture in our new martial home bedroom closet in his keepsake box, and all the cards and lamentations he wrote her, when she put his clothes out on the driveway in 1985. Today, he is still licking his wounds, and struggling with suing her as 1 of his dauthers turned out to be a child of an affair, and not biologically his. Even after all of this he continues to try to make sense of it, he goes to therapists as I wonder, why he is stil struggling with it 19 years later. It is now 2007, and I am in the living room wondering why I am still here? I simply don't know. In 2000, I met a man with 3 children, I had 2. I fell inlove, I am not sure what he was doing. Same thing, schedule revolved around the x wife, she approved or disapproved of his girlfriends, he entertained the discussions. 2 years after we got married in 2005 he still had her wedding picture in our new martial home bedroom closet in his keepsake box, and all the cards and lamentations he wrote her, when she put his clothes out on the driveway in 1985. Today, he is still licking his wounds, and struggling with suing her as 1 of his dauthers turned out to be a child of an affair, and not biologically his. Even after all of this he continues to try to make sense of it, he goes to therapists as I wonder, why he is stil struggling with it 19 years later. It is now 2007, and I am in the living room wondering why I am still here? I simply don’t know.

]]> By: leslie http://www.asklovecoach.com/meandhisex/#comment-139 leslie Mon, 09 Apr 2007 13:10:17 +0000 http://www.asklovecoach.com/?p=13#comment-139 Well. I was amazed reading Bett's story. Sounds so much like my situation ! I have been in a lot of pain, frustration, stress, sleepless nights etc etc. After one year of this pain I have decided to get out. We had a " talk" and I let him know how I felt .. ... of course he does not want me to go. .. I'm sick of him being in a constant contact with his ex, vacations, lunches together, Christmas .... I do feel like he is still married and I'm his mistress. .. I DO love him. It is very difficult to leave someone you love. This man got under my skin. I do not fall in love that easily. I feel very sad but I have no choice. Dead end relationship with a stringer? no way. I deserve better. Good luck ladies! ... I would recommend to read a book " Men who cannot love". Well. I was amazed reading Bett’s story. Sounds so much like my situation ! I have been in a lot of pain, frustration, stress, sleepless nights etc etc. After one year of this pain I have decided to get out. We had a ” talk” and I let him know how I felt .. … of course he does not want me to go. .. I’m sick of him being in a constant contact with his ex, vacations, lunches together, Christmas …. I do feel like he is still married and I’m his mistress. .. I DO love him. It is very difficult to leave someone you love. This man got under my skin. I do not fall in love that easily. I feel very sad but I have no choice. Dead end relationship with a stringer? no way. I deserve better. Good luck ladies! … I would recommend to read a book ” Men who cannot love”.

]]> By: Mj http://www.asklovecoach.com/meandhisex/#comment-140 Mj Mon, 19 Mar 2007 00:33:47 +0000 http://www.asklovecoach.com/?p=13#comment-140 wow Bett, I wonder where your decision has lead you. I have chosen to end a rltshp very similar. Its been almost two years. It is time for me to leave. It is a lonely existence being with someone who is unable to become officially divorced. It keeps him tied to a previous life. His ex is very much still a part of his family. Our relationship revolves around their schedule, thee schedule. I have been to two family events in two years, carefully chosen, no ex or daughter there. I continue to be on the every other weekend, the one without his daughter. I feel that he has unresolved issues that fuels an unhealthy indebtedness based on guilty obligation. I painfully witness this when his twelve year old daughter puts him down in front of me. Thats only one example and most recent. Enough said. No longer the "other woman".......I am so much more than that. wow Bett, I wonder where your decision has lead you.
I
have chosen to end a rltshp very similar. Its been almost two years. It is time for me to leave. It is a lonely existence being with someone who is unable to become officially divorced. It keeps him tied to a previous life. His ex is very much still a part of his family. Our relationship revolves around their schedule, thee schedule. I have been to two family events in two years, carefully chosen, no ex or daughter there. I continue to be on the every other weekend, the one without his daughter. I feel that he has unresolved issues that fuels an unhealthy indebtedness based on guilty obligation.
I painfully witness this when his twelve year old daughter puts him down in front of me. Thats only one example and most recent.
Enough said.
No longer the “other woman”…….I am so much more than that.

]]> By: Bella http://www.asklovecoach.com/meandhisex/#comment-125 Bella Sat, 17 Jun 2006 19:10:56 +0000 http://www.asklovecoach.com/?p=13#comment-125 Wow, I am amazed at the seemingly coincidence of your situation, as I find myself in some very similar to yours. It is difficult to leave, and I am slowly beginning to let go of someone I have cared and loved deeply for the last two and a half years. But, while he was committed to a certain extent, he was still emotionally available at times - when clearly, intimacy was desired on my end. He picked up on this desire, and each time, got extremely fearful and then backed off. It is an extremely painful process, and it is true - only he can change through self-realization. He has to want to change, and wanting to change, has nothing to do with how beautiful or extraordinary a person you are. He has to do the necessary work himself - this is a hard pill to swallow, even for myself, but I'm finding that I am much more valuable than I once thought. And, I deserve to be receive all that I am capable of giving. Wow, I am amazed at the seemingly coincidence of your situation, as I find myself in some very similar to yours. It is difficult to leave, and I am slowly beginning to let go of someone I have cared and loved deeply for the last two and a half years. But, while he was committed to a certain extent, he was still emotionally available at times - when clearly, intimacy was desired on my end. He picked up on this desire, and each time, got extremely fearful and then backed off. It is an extremely painful process, and it is true - only he can change through self-realization. He has to want to change, and wanting to change, has nothing to do with how beautiful or extraordinary a person you are. He has to do the necessary work himself - this is a hard pill to swallow, even for myself, but I’m finding that I am much more valuable than I once thought. And, I deserve to be receive all that I am capable of giving.

]]> By: ed http://www.asklovecoach.com/meandhisex/#comment-113 ed Wed, 21 Dec 2005 21:43:15 +0000 http://www.asklovecoach.com/?p=13#comment-113 sorry that break my heart to see this happen to you i am sorry to hear that as a male mines is the same wish we could have meet . happy holidays ed sorry that break my heart to see this happen to you i am sorry to hear that as a male mines is the same wish we could have meet . happy holidays ed

]]> By: Kay Pinkerton http://www.asklovecoach.com/meandhisex/#comment-112 Kay Pinkerton Mon, 12 Dec 2005 22:47:21 +0000 http://www.asklovecoach.com/?p=13#comment-112 In your letter, you stated, "due to his having an affair throughout their 14 year marriage, he has developed a relationship with her that is based on dependence, guilt and obligation." This statement is key: if a man has been systematically unfaithful to his spouse -- especially the mother of his children -- what makes you think he will miraculously evolve into the loving, faithful partner that you desire? Past behavior, Bett, is the best predictor of future actions. Seek the support of friends, gather your strength, and leave this relationship. Only then will you find the kind of love that you want and deserve. In your letter, you stated, “due to his having an affair throughout their 14 year marriage, he has developed a relationship with her that is based on dependence, guilt and obligation.” This statement is key: if a man has been systematically unfaithful to his spouse — especially the mother of his children — what makes you think he will miraculously evolve into the loving, faithful partner that you desire? Past behavior, Bett, is the best predictor of future actions. Seek the support of friends, gather your strength, and leave this relationship. Only then will you find the kind of love that you want and deserve.

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