Q. Ana asks:
I am 29 years old and I have a bit of a dilemma. I have been with my boyfriend who is 27 years old, for almost 9 years we have lived together for almost 7 years of the 9 and we are not moving anywhere. My problem is that I am and have been ready to move to the next level and I do wish to marry him I do love him but he is just so stagnant. He is so comfortable in our relationship that he doesn’t want it to change and I do. He has no aspirations of any kind isn’t interesting in planning our lives together for the future. I’m 29 and these are thing I want us to start planning and I get nothing. I’m bored with him it’s like living with a roommate. We aren’t intimate at all, since the beginning of the year we have been intimate maybe 4 times that’s it.
I have had conversations with him explaining my issues and concerns and all I get is “I’m sorry I did not know you felt this way” then 2-3 weeks later back to the same old him. Now he has talked about marriage and we pretty much know what we want and have most of the plans for a wedding but his excuse is that he needs to save money for a ring. That excuse went out the window when he bought a $1200 laptop and gave no second thought to a ring. Why is that??
Please help I don’t know what to do, I am considering breaking it off. Our thoughts in life are moving in the opposite directions and we are loosing each other fast. Please help.
A. Love Coach Rinatta answers:
Ana, I would like to help, but this is a complicated situation that won’t lend itself to an easy response. Basically, you can’t make your boyfriend marry you if he doesn’t want to and you can’t make him be close to you if he doesn’t want to. The key is to figure out why he doesn’t want to, and then to see if there is something you can do to help him change his mind. If not, it may be time to move on. Do not manipulate him or force him. Ultimatums and manipulation can lead to a ring and even marriage, but you will dearly pay for it once you are married.
If you want help on how to save your relationship or at least yourself, I will gladly work with you in a Love Advice and Coaching session to help you come up with a plan of action.
From the Heart,
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
I read your story, and instead of focusing on your live in boyfriend, let’s focus on what you want. What would change if you married your boyfriend? Would you have children? Would you make a financial commitment? Would your relationship with him change in other ways too? Instead of asking him to marry you, why not consider asking him for the things that you think a marriage will bring? And, then, tell him why a marriage is important to you.
For example, you tell him that you want children and want the children to grow up with a mother and a father who love them and who are committed not just to one another but to the children too. If he hesitates, delays or says that he doesn’t want children, if that’s what you want, I recommend you make plans to move out. You will find another man who wants children and a family and who will marry you. This man may remain a bachelor forever or worse leave you some day when you’re even older. Cut the ties and go get what you want!! You’ll be so happy you did.
I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. For all extensice purposes, we are married. We have lived together for only two years now. I have pushed for marriage for the past three years. We are moving at snail pase, but moving nonetheless. He wants the things that a wife provides, but isn’t willing to make that step. I made a mental time clock, if he doesn’t AT LEAST pop the question by our 10th anniversary (this october), i am giving him his walking papers. It hurts me to even think of it, but I (and you) deserve more than this. If you are strong enough to walk away, he will realize what he lost in you (if you were taking care of business). Who knows, you may be happier.
My mom and grandma always says why buy the cow when you get the milk for free. Value yoursef and he will value you. And if he doesn’t value you enough to ask you to marry him then stop wasting your time and be open to the person who really appreciates you and want to give you what you deserve. Best wishes. I know its hard to start over and to be alone been there done that but I have proven that when you value yourself they will too and he will either come runnig when he realizes what he lost or he wont and you will find a better who is ready for mature love and committment.
I understand where you are coming from.
I have been with my guy for over 5 years - I am 29 he is 30. We own a house together, we live together and have a small business together. Everything is great between us — except I feel like I am begining to resent him. He talks about marriage, he talks about kids and we both seem to want the same thing - but he never makes a move. I asked him over a year ago - to not speak about it or make plans unless he is serious. He jokes preposing on a weekly basis — but never really does it. Now I debate - do I leave? I have told him how I felt. We love each other and life together is great…but I think marriage and a family is so important to me and the direction I want to take in life. I don’t believe him anymore and feel although I have lost a little respect for him. This is so tough….please let me know what you do.
I have been living with my boyfriend for 10 years maybe more. He does not want to marry me. He gives me mixed signals. He wants all the things that a wife does but no marriage. Sometimes I think he does want to marry me. When I ask him, he say’s we can’t get married, our spouses are not dead. This tale is dead!!!!!!!!!!!He tries the Bibical thing on me…..But not when it’s time for indulging. We both been married before; me one year and I lived with my X before I married him…I practically made him marry me.. I believe the man I love been married for only six months.
I have two children and he helps me with them and I believe he loves them conditionally. He has no children of his own. We are in our fifties. I am lonely, I love him, and don’t know what to do. I desire to leave, but not financially stable. He pays the utilities such as rent, light bill and water, we spilt food. Maybe he feels he’s taking care of me. I pay all of my personnel bills.
Each passing day, I long for something……….marriage. I am getting depressed. I don’t know what to do. I am a leader in my church and I feel the eyes are on me because I am shacking up.(people knows)…. I have written him a letter explaining my circumstances and my love to him and he never answered or came to talk to me about it. We go out together places, attend gatherings and everything else as an married couple, but not married. what do I do leave him? I believe he loves me or he would not put up with me. email me, please
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years, going on 5 years this coming April. We have lived together for about 4 years & we are both 27 years old. I feel that I was immature when we moved in together trying to escape my old life for something new and exciting. We were very much in love at the time and we now work together with his family owned business. I moved miles & miles away from my family to be with him and miss them so much now. He has not yet popped the question, we do talk about it but see no results. We have bought a home together, well lease to buy, and his excuse now is that he has no money for a ring. He does seem to have money for other things which I do not feel are as important as a ring. Yes I know we should have waited to by a house and I wish we never moved in together. I am starting to think that he is not serious about us. But then I think “Why the hell did we get into this house deal together”? I have lost faith in him and I am seriously thinking about leaving. Why should I stay here miserable? I am missing my family so much. It makes me sad to know that I am spending more time with his family then mine, what was I thinking?!!
You ladies have it over on me in the marriage dept. My current love was married close to 20 yrs as was I.
At first when we were together, he asked me to marry him on a daily basis…sort of like another reader that posted here. I thought it was kind of soon but after both of us knew what we wanted in love and had been married and are older, I thought maybe it was a possibility since we seemed well matched…
…we havent been together that long like some of the other ladies that wrote on this board. Nonetheless…after being asked daily (no ring) but talk about having wanted to marry me and claims to ask me on a certain holiday
- and no ring when that holiday arrived (despite huge hints that was going to be the case), I felt stupid for keeping an open mind about him asking me and me even considering it. I guess had I not been set up to believe he was going to ask me on said holiday, with a RING, then I felt really damned stupid for thinking it could be real when that day came and went. I felt like I had been led on and lied to. It really bothered me because he would say things all the damned time about me being his wife…I guess in SPIRIT since I am attentive like he would like a wife to be. But someone said here…why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? I agree. I feel like an idiot now that I thought he really saw me as a future wife.
We do not live together. He mentioned many times how he wanted to live in the same place and asked what he should do with his place if we did. Well I finally called his bluff and invited him to move in. He seemed to be shocked and didnt think I would even consider it. Needless to say, that conversation died off and he never moved in. Hasnt brought it up again except to say we should spend more time together. Not for lack of trying. He seems to spend a lot of time tired, sleeping after work or sick. Or so he says. I never know what to expect : will I see him…will he be too tired, too sick…whatever the situation is. I never know what to think these days.
Had he not told me he was GOING to propose to me properly on the holiday, I would never have felt so badly. I feel so lied to and not worth it to him. I got him a ring in kind. When I gave it to him after I realized he wasnt going to propose..I just played it off as no bog deal. But it is. I felt a catch in my throat and wanted to dissapear. All day today he has referred to me as his girlfriend and I hate that term. He knows this. He referred to me as his fiance over the wkend…and yet no ring, no proposal. The mixed signals are maddening. And tonight I thought we would be hanging out only to hear he has something to do with paperwork at home all of the sudden.
We both have older kids…both of us are in our early 40’s. Our kids are in their late teens, except for his…his doesnt live with him and is 14.
Im tired of being open to him because it doesnt seem to be met the same way. I kept an open mind with his expediency on the topic but now I think its all smoke and mirrors and dreaming on his part. Im starting to think he should have stayed with his ex since he says one thing yet reticent about moving on though he brings it up.
I am in a similar situation. My man and I have been dating for 8.5 years too (living together for 7.5 years). I don’t feel like I have been waiting for a ring for the entire relationship like some women do (I wasn’t all about marriage early on), but we are 31 now and in the past few years, I have realized I want a family and my baby making days are approaching (it is more expensive and more risky if you are over 35). He also feels that having a family is very important to him. I would prefer to be married before having kids. We are not ready to have kids yet, but I want to be prepared and feel like he should know if he wants to marry me by now anyway.
A couple years ago, he said that he had some regrets about not being single longer after he was in college (we started dating right after we graduated from college). It really wasn’t me that was pushing to be in a relationship initially. Even though I thought I was in love with him and had butterflies, etc. whenever I was around him, I was being realistic and wanted to call it a fling and go our separate ways (since we were going to be living in different states and long distance relationships are tough), so it was really his own decision to try to stay together initially, but obviously, he regrets it now. Well, we almost broke up over it when he told me about this a couple years ago because I obviously didn’t want to force him to be with me if he felt like he didn’t experience enough first, but I told him I couldn’t just let him go have “experiences” with more women and let him come back to me later. If we were done, we were going to be done for good. He didn’t last 8 hrs before he decided it was a mistake. I was pretty insecure for a while knowing he wanted to be with other women, but I thought we had improved over the past couple of years and had accepted the fact that men are men and know that’s what most men think (they just don’t typically have the balls to admit it to their girlfriends). I am human too-I sometimes imagine being with other men, but I don’t think that means I shouldn’t be with my man-we are just human and as long as we don’t act on these urges, it is probably all right.
Last year, he told me we would be engaged by Christmas this year. He told his friends that we were probably going to get married in Mexico on the beach in spring of 2008ish (we both like the idea of a destination wedding). When two of my other friends got engaged last year to be married in May (one is getting married in Mexico), those plans kind of got put on hold (plus he didn’t propose anyway). I have talked to him about it a couple times throughout the year and he basically told me that I would ruin the surprise if I kept telling him that we need to set some goals and move forward with this marriage stuff. Well, on X-Mas, I told him I couldn’t help but be disappointed that he hadn’t proposed and didn’t have plans to propose any time soon because he admitted he isn’t ready yet. I reminded him that he did say that we would be engaged by this time last year, but he acted like he doesn’t remember this. It is probably because I stopped talking to him about it because I didn’t want to ruin this surprise he kept talking about. He always tries to turn it around on me and say that he didn’t think I really wanted to marry him, but that is obviously not true and he knows how I feel. I ask him what is holding him back and he did tell me he still feels like he regrets not being single for a while before we had a relationship, but he says he loves me and does eventually want to marry me and doesn’t want to break up and wouldn’t cheat on me. He said he is happy with things being the way they are and he says he wouldn’t mind having a kid and not being married. I told him that until he decides what he wants, he needs to stop telling our friends and family that we are going to get married on the beach, etc. because it is just not fair to me (or them). Even in November this year, he told some of my friends that he would probably be proposing by X-Mas this year, so my buddies called me the day after X-Mas wondering if I had news. Every time I run into his buddies, they ask if Joel has proposed since he talks about it to them and even they have the idea that he is going to. His mom and dad are also getting upset with him because it is not fair to keep me hanging (they just want him to decide) and called and yelled at him about it because they thought the reason they were getting luggage for a Christmas present from us was because we were implying we were going to get married on the beach soon! I had told them that that wasn’t the reason and that they shouldn’t get their hopes up so I probably caused the fight, but I am so sick of him making up stuff to fend off the “when are you getting married” questions. It’s like he feels like if he lies to people, they will be happy and stop asking when we are going to get hitched. He said that he doesn’t want to marry me because his dad called and yelled at him and he doesn’t work with ultimatums. I told him that if fine, but he needs to realize that it isn’t fair to me. I told him he needs to let me go if he didn’t want to marry me because I am not getting any younger!
I am starting to wonder if I am just being stupid. I feel like in my heart, I know I should end this relationship so he can have his fun with other chicks (he has only been with 4 people including me), but I definitely can’t go back to him afterward, so it would be over forever. It feels like such a waste of 8.5+ years to end it, but maybe I just need to do it since he can’t seem to progress and I am not getting any younger (not that I am too worried about finding other bachelors since there seems to be an overpopulation of young single guys in this town, but I know the single scene isn’t all that fun and I wouldn’t even know how to start…plus, I have my heart set on my man).
Dear 8&a half yrs:
I feel for you. The excuses, the rationale…seems to be stalling things out. I got the same crap: I wanted it to be a surprise…so I didnt bring it up either (same as you)…and nothing happened. I am angry that he can refer to me as his fiance and then not ask me and say we are actually engaged. I dont much care for rings…but he swears he has to have one in order to ask.
Some men are more intense about how they ask than we are..sometimes to the point that the perfection they have imagined in their head is imeasureable to what is really expected from their lady. To me, its not about how they ask but that they ask and follow through without a fantasy proposal they have in their head that they will likely never put into action.
I dont like being “tried on” for wedding fitness sake by being called his fiance alternately being termed as his gf on a different day….to play house to see how it fits without the seriousness I expect.
Being asked…well maybe I said yes too quickly because it stalled right after. Nothing happened. I dont like being misled and I am not a young woman…I know what I want out of life and its not to sit here worrying about what ifs and false starts the rest of my life. We arent promised tomorrow. No one is. I want to live and love without doubt and fear.
Stop crying & be glad you have someone. You guys have been together for 8+ years. Something is right if not you would of walked away a long time ago. Why is it that when things are great woman tend to go out of there way to mess it up. Stop worrying about the “Title”, because thats all it is. Remember what scares men, that once married sex is an after thought with woman. As they say “how do you will kill a womans sex drive?…. wedding cake!”
no worries. Its hard work, but sometimes guys have to learn it the hard way. (via Mippin Mobile)
What is wrong with men? or maybe what is wrong with me to stay? I have been with the same guy for 8 years, we do not live together, we are not married, I love him and he says he loves me very much. He will not take the next step. If I talk about finding a house together or getting married it’s like I’m egging on an argument. I know the answere, He thinks our two incomes are not enough to support a houshold with his kids and mine. well my household is supported just fine with no help. I own my own bz. his household is supported by his mother. he works and makes good money. he works for the railroad UP what is up? the excuses are getting old he says he just wants to get his kids raised and out the door. well guess what me too! How do I know when they are out the door it will be our turn for a life? I ask and he has the same standard answere, ” I don’t have a crystal ball” well neither do I, however I know I love him and would spend the rest of my life with him.No one has a crystal ball fellas!!I think these are all just excuses and I’ll wait another 2 or 3 years while the kids graduate and move on and for what for him to come up with another excuse, I feel like a failure, Like I have been cheated, I want to leave Because I know he will never marry me. It breaks my heart to admit defeat. I feel like if I leave he’ll be married within a year and I will feel like a total idiot a bigger failure, a fool.. It was just me he didn’t want, not the marriage part.It’s not like I’m ugly or fat. I have men ask me out all the time.What is wrong with me that I just can’t let this go? I just can’t tell myself enough he really doesn’t love you so just leave and get over it and find someone who does? WHY? Someone please tell me.
Hello, my name is Michelle and im 23 years old. my boyfriend and I have been together for 7years. We have 2 kids together, a boy that is about to turn 5 years old and a girl that is turned 2 years old on mothers day. We also live together. He works a job that he hate to support me and the kids. I’ve been looking for a job and trying to go to school so that he can go back to school. The problem is he had ask to marry me and gave me the ring a few years ago. But when we had become homeless we began fighting a lot. It got to the point where he said he didn’t want to be with me anymore, But he want us to be a family and live together.we have been doing better but today when I asked him about getting married he said that no matter what I say he is not ready to get married. He feels that im trying to make him do something he doesn’t want to do yet he tells people that im his wife and even tell women that he has a wife and kids at home and doesn’t want to date other people. He feel that im sick of him and want to start dateing other people, but all im asking is to get married. I don’t know what to do. I love him with all my heart, but I feel like he’s bullshiting me. And keep trying to flip the problem around on me so it look like im the bad guy.when I tell him that im scared im going to get to the point that I feel like marry me or ill move on with my life ,he tells me thats what I want now and im sick of him and want to break up. Im sick to my stomach dealing with giving him everything he wants. I can even remember when I found out that I was preganent with our son and was thinking about not having him, my boyfriend told me ” that if I killed his son he never wanted to see me again”. Maybe he’s just controlling because he has always decided if I kept the baby or not and when ever he hurts my feelings he doesn’t tell me he’s sorry untill he feels “its right”. Even hoildays and brithdays he won’t say anything untill he feels like it. I feel like he’s a great dad and he has always been there for me and the kids and I don’t want to lose him. So please tell me what can I do to make our relationship better. I know that he may not seem like a good guy but he has done so much for me and we have way more good times than bad.sorry for this being so long . Can’t wait to hear from you. Thank you
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, will be 4 in November. We havent had a great relationship that would lead to marriage right off bat but I feel that all that we have been thru, lived together, had 2 children together; what else is there to do but get married, or move on and find someone that wants that?
We argue about marriage so much. I tell him that I want to get married so our house will be a home. I’m tired of shacking. He says that it’s all about “timing”. I once heard that time waits for no man. If he doesn’t want to get married, he’s wasting my time, because their is another man that is willing to fill his shoes and do just what I want to do. Should I stay and wait for him to NEVER get ready or should I leave?
I am in the same predicament as every other girl on here. I have been with my boyfriend for 6.5 years. We are in our late twenties and I think it is time we get married. He uses the same empty excuses as all the other guys. He plays the same games calling me Mrs. (his last name) and asking me if I will marry him almost every other day. I am sick of it. I am beginning to resent him and I am getting so angry that he wont formally ask. He wants me to move in with him but I told him I wont unless he proposes. Why do I have to resort to ultimatums? I think all of us women are just being pathetic. We need to move on. We have made our needs clear to our men and if they don’t care then we need to let go. They will come crawling back. If they don’t, we will probably be better off.
I am glad I found this site! I am going through a similar situation to yourselves.
I have been with my partner for almost 3 years and living together for over a year. We got engaged 14 months ago and he said we would get married this summer. However he now says he is not ready to marry and *jokingly* says I have to not finished my wife training as yet!!! - although he does say this jokingly. We went to look at eternity rings as I said Oh forget getting married. I said this because I am angry. Why should getting married be all on his terms! As we looked at the eternity rings which he wanted placing on top of my engagement ring - as the engagement ring is loose and keeps falling off my finger! - I thought ‘No- I deserve better treatment than this’ and I told him the only time another ring is going on my finger is when you marry me and until then the engagement ring that keeps falling off stays off until then.
That engagement ring is still sat on a shelf.
Its not so much about getting married now - its more about why he is stalling. We have a great relationship and he tells me constantly how much he loves me….but if this is so then why wont he marry me after 3 years? We are both in our 40s.
I think now I have gone off the whole idea of getting married now. It wasnt supposed to be like this.
hi, i think its us women who are stupid..no offence but we need to kick our men into reality! Ive been with my partner for 17 months, we have a baby boy. We talked about marriage, saw a ring…he didnt have the money at the time so I lent him the money. 10 months later he still hasnt proposed or given me a penny towards that ring! im £1,350 out of pocket and stuck with a ring I no longer want as im sooo hurt. What do i do? He took me to london new years eve, we got there too late and missed the fireworks. The next day he said he was going to ask me to marry him but because we missed it he didnt!!!! What am i thinking……should I leave him?
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and have been best friends for 8, we were both in relationships before we knew eachother and so even though we liked eachother, we stuck with the relationships until their end.
Now we have been together, he always talks about marriage kids, plans, and it is starting to hurt, he’s been talking about it for 2 years. I feel let down, and I don’t feel right with our relationship because he says that he was going to ask me on my birthday this year but we didn’t have the money so instead we just ate out.
Many, many times hes said this. I told him that if he’s not ready than I’d much rather know so that we can be on the same page and he tells me how much more he loves me and that he’s been ready. We never have money because he and I approve him buying things like a wii and ps3 and computer stuff…. When I confrnt him he just says oh I am so sorry and how sad he is. He gets so guilty feeling that I feel guilty that I brought it up. I know that I love him and he loves me, but I feel like it is the next step and that we are ready.
We have lived together for 2 years and had the same bank account for that long. In all honesty, as far as the bank is concerened, we haven’t had any problems. we make the same amount and it goes toward bills and school and we go out together anyways so its spent on us. he gets things like the wii and I spend a lot where I want, we like a lot of the same things so everthything is really ours so its not a big deal. except when it comes to the ring thing. Truthfully, it would be neat to have a ring but the meaning and steps behind marriage are what I want. I want to be in that stage, and I don’t want to pretend and do all the work of a wife and all the work of a couple just to have one of us bail.
It pains me because it is a step. When you have a friend you wont ask out but are doing all the things a girlfriend or boyfriend would do, it feels like you are being taken advantage of, even if you aren’t and, it isn’t fair that people can’t just be open about it.
I asked him tonight what he would do if I was pregnant tonight (I’m not) and he said he would be a very happy father, and he sounded so happy. I know if that were the case we would definitly go to the courthouse but that isn’t what I would want. The reason it is included is because I had a miscarriage back in March and we were so scared, it really caused us to both grow substantially in the short amount of time.
He asked me about a date and I asked about another and we decided on getting married on July 27th, 2010, but even though he asked me and was all excited this was over a month ago and again he still hasn’t popped the question. who knows if he ever will but I do love him with all my heart, it will break me to have to come to a decision if he doesn’t ask, but I don’t want to make a bunch of plans to have them all fall. So I plan for the latter at least I won’t feel like its a waste if it so happens he doesn’t ask, and if he does than I’ll be excited not to have to and I’ll be even more excited to plan….
This was very poorly written and I apologize. I just wrote as things came to mind….
finally I just feel like at this time in my life with him and just life in general that I am a mess not happy and living in a pigsty with things, chores, work, school, and him piling so far over my head, and the fact that I have no insurance do to my dumb ass job that I can’t see the doctor like I need, I haven’t had my hair done in over a year and I haven’t taking care of myself because of all this bottled up shit that is making me so depressed and I try to let go and instead wallow in it and need help getting out. this is a way for me to express and get off my chest and realize it is happening to so many people, not only women but men too…..
The only difference is, it is more socially accepted that men do the asking and for me that is what feels right. Hence more women have a dilemma of is he or isn’t he and men have the, she said no so we aren’t together. Which gives them the opertunity to move on. Where as us women have to weigh whether or not we should put our foot down and be able to confront and walk away…. I don’t know…. anyways if you read this far, thank you
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years. We currently are living together. We have a baby together. We did break up and start seeing other people briefly. Before the break up he was always running around with the guys. The baby and I sat at home giving him chance after chance. Well we are together now and he keeps bring up marriage but does not follow through. He will have the money for a ring but says after I get this or that I will buy you a ring and then ask. I honestly do not know what all of this means. I think he is afraid of comment. He is in his thirties and never been married or had a real relationship. I don’t know wheter or not he is just string me along because he thinks he can? I want to be in a relationship that is with someone I feel wants to me. He says he loves me and I believe that but why put me on hold?
Look, i just got out of a 5 year relationship to a man i thought i was going to marry. one day over the phone i straight up asked him “are you ever going to marry me” there was a long pause. he said no. i hung up and moved on.
if a guy is into you (really into you) he’s going to want to lock that shit down. he’s going to lock it down fast so no other man can swoop in and steal the wonderful woman that you are.
if he doesn’t want to marry you, then leave. there will be a man that does, because he will know that losing you would be the worst thing that ever happened to him and you deserve a man that sees you for the wonderful woman you are.
these “men” that we are involved with only stay with us because we take care of their every need and they think we are too afraid to leave them. so they keep abusing us and are never upfront about their real intentions because they are riding the gravy train.
PLEASE if you take away anything from this post, the answers to ALL your problems is to LEAVE.
and they said you couldn’t run from your problems… guess what, here is your exception.
I have read all your posts and I agree with Heather. Like most of you, I came here looking for answers. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years and was a pregnant teenager when we first met. We started our relationship a year after our first meeting. I think the main reason I am still with him is the fact that he loved me and my child unconditionally despite being so young. We have had our ups and downs over the years but the last four years have been the hardest for me. We had our first child together three years ago and I suffered from postnatal depression. I have since got over it but I feel resentfull towards him as he promises things but never keeps his promise. I also didn’t care much for marriage initially but now in my late twenties, my views have changed. We talk about it and he even proposed three years into our relationship (with a ring) but we were too young and I broke it off following an argument. I love him, the sex is great but I just feel like we’ve come to the end of the road based on his behaviour. I am afraid of hurting my boys by breaking up our home but It has affected me. I am no longer motivated to take care of myself or my home and the only thing that excites me is the prospect of graduating with my degree in a year’s time. I also hate to admmit it and I am sorry to say but we do seem very pathetic when you read the posts. I have come to the decision that I WILL LEAVE HIM. It is the only way forward for me. I will be 30yrs old next year and I’ll be damned if I have to wait another 10 yrs to get to where I want to be. I will not let someone else’s decisions or lack of them be the determinants of where my life is going. Good luck to you all and thank you for the revealing insights.
well i too have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. the things is that he says he waiting on me to LoL act right. He says he wants to be happy too. I really dobt understand i was not raised this way and i know it is wrong, but i do love him and want to marry him. he really does treat me right but not enough to make me his wife. we go looking he has a card, all he has to do is go choose and pick it up. How much time should i go through this. sometimes i feel that we are wasting each others time. Christmas has passed and i didnt even want anything non of the material things matter, i just wanted to be his wife. I have accomplished so much and he has but no marriage, we do everything together. it really bothers me so much i find myself crying all of the time. why does this happen. he says he wants to but its all on me. i dont know what to belive anymore. By the way im 27 he 30
i understand
Same situation for me too. Been together almost 10 years now. We’ve lived together almost the entire relationship, have a 5 year old son together and a daughter from my previous marriage. Im 33 hes 32 and I feel in my heart if it was meant to be I would never had to bring it up in the first place. The fact that mothing happened even after I did have the courage to bring it up devastates me. He has now said a million times that we can go to the courthouse tomorrow if I want but that is not the same as a proposal to me. Its not like he needs to do something elaborate or anything but he hasnt even technically asked me. My advice to anyone who is not in as far deep as I am is to not move in till you have a ring and no kids till then either. we have a house together , joint bank acct, etc yet if he was ever in an accident I couldnt even get any info because Im not his wife. He does a lot for me and our kids but I dont get it. He knows it bothers me and does nothing REAL about it. I would love to have more feedback from guys on this. BTW Im sure he doesnt nor has ever cheated so its not someone else (I AM realistic, but 100% sure on this one) All I know is I need to make change for me and my kids. I left my former husband for much less but I am having a hard time with this one.
I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 9 years recently. So many things led to my decision, but mostly it was because he said he wasn’t ready to marry me. He gave the “I can’t afford the ring I really want to buy you” and”what’s the rush” also…”It’s just a piece of paper” and “we already know two couples getting married this summer, maybe next year” !!?!! He is 31 and I’m 29…we have broken up once before, 5 years ago…when we got back together he told my parents that he wanted to marry me, but never talked with me about it. We have been through a lot together, but we never fought, barely raised our voices at eachother EVER. We had a really great relationship and we did everything together and had so much fun…We had lived together for almost our whole relationship. He moved in to the house that I bought three years ago, and before that we lived together in an apartment. He has always been financially stressed even when he was living basically rent free at my house, he works really hard and always has a job though…But his money worries always put strain on things. I always thought we would get married eventually and never even worried about it or pressured him at all. But over the past two years I kind of started to want a time line…anything from him and he just pushed it away every time refusing to talk about it. This made me start to doubt him and the strength of our relationship, it sounds so shallow sometimes. I really believe in marriage but after seeing his mom go through two divorces, he didn’t. But he knew that making that commitment really means a lot to me…shouldn’t that along with our really awesome realtionship motivate him to pop the question? Anyway I feel like he procrastinated and took for granted a lot of things in our relationship, I’ve tried to talk to him about this…He really wants to get back together and tells me he knows he took me for granted and realizes how stupid he was for always pushing me away. Now he says that all he wants is to marry me and have a family! How am I supposed to believe that he has changed at all? And I still just don’t know if I want to be back with him…This is all really confusing to me and so upsetting, I’ve never been this heartbroken.
Ok. Glad I found this “chat” however I don’t see any updates or any MALE feedback which is soooo important on this issue. To understand their psychie and WHY they are refusing to progress. In my opinion, I don’t think it is the girl (female) to blame at all…I believe that the men feel too inadequate to be with that female at their stage of life.
Here’s my deal. I’ve sat back and watched men date a woman for 5 or six years break up and then marry a total biatch who’s only goal in life is to be housewife and play “by the book” after 1 year. When I say by the book I mean I think men are more interested in companionship then they are with addressing issues and setting goals. They wanna keep stuff “light” and not have to be bothered with making any sort of pressing decisions that would force them to be accountable as an ADULT.
I’ve been with the same guy for over 6 years. No marriage. No proposal. Same deal. I’ll marry you tomorrow, let’s go to the courthouse, we can get married next summer, we are beyond marriage, I don’t believe in diamonds, We are already married to eachother, the list goes on and on…
I have made many sacrifices for him and I am about to lose it. His career is taking off and I am stuck unemployed (even though I have my Masters degree) by his stupid side. I could take out-of-state jobs but will NEVER get married if I do so.
I am going to be brutally honest hear and please give me feedback; I am so angry at him I’ve been escalating fights to the point of physical contact with him. I broke something over his head and through a glass at his knee and push him away constantly. I cannot believe the person I love most in the world is PLAYING GAMES with me and stringing me along and lying to me and disappointing me more than anyone in the world could… To me I am also mad at myself; I’ve allowed myself to be lied to. I’ve put myself in this position. I can’t help but think if I just kept things “light” I would never be in this situation. But truthfully I will fight to the death to find out why someone would act this way. Me and him.
I am not excusing physical abuse, I am just so mad I can’t control my emotions anymore, all over this same issue; MARRIAGE. I am about ready to leave. He leaves for months on end for his job and I stick around and wait for something that never comes. Has anyone actually left and are you better off? Will any men please explain why they act this way and promise something they can’t deliver???????
My heart goes out to all of you. I was skeptical on moving in together because of all the negative statistics and really didnt want to deal with hearing the negative feedback from everyone but I told my boyfriend I would move in together before marriage just once. He wanted to because he believed it was something you had to do and I think that it is just one more thing that is special to a marriage that you dont have to look forward to. We have been together a year and a half and living together for six months. I have been very upfront with everything and had said I would want to wait a year after we were engaged to get married. The issue I have now is he is talking about moving out of state. He made the comment yesterday that he was thinking we should look for a place where the rent is cheaper so we can save more. I made the comment that since the area he wants to move for with work doesnt have great colleges we would have to have separate apartments because I was not trying to commute two hours each way. His argument was that isnt fair because he is already used to coming home to me everyday. I reminded him that I said when we moved in together that I was only doing it once. At first he had said that when we moved there he wanted to be married. So I didnt bring up that we wouldnt be living together. After the conversation yesterday he is saying he wants to be engaged before we move. I just feel like the conversations about the future and empty promises are what is making me more impatient. I even told him this and asked him to stop saying things and that I really did not want to keep talking about the future because it has just been frustrating me. Oh yeah to make matters worse he told me last summer that he set up a savings account for my ring and did an allotment.. how do you think I feel when he has me log into his banking to look at another account which pulls up that account information and it is obvious he either stopped the allotment or is taking the money out… guess he didnt think about that when he had me look up something in his account.
Once again, same predicament. It’s very wary for us to be all feeling the same way. I have been with my boyfriend for 3yrs next month, and living together for 2. It’s as comfortable as it can get, but I’m starting to see the light. I thought about buying a house, and his first response was, “I’m not moving there.” I also thought about going to the public defense, because I’m a teacher. It’s where you go overseas for a year, and teach the army children. His response to that was, “you might as well dump me then.”
Unfortunately, I want someone to take my thoughts into accountability, and anything that is of importance to me. I gave him an ultimatum, which I knew was incredibly immature. His deadline is next month, and no ring. I know there is not one, because he has not even got a credit card in order to buy it. Plus, his response to a ring is, “I do not want to be poor.” I am very unsure where his thoughts about being poor come from, since that is basically where he always stands.
I feel like where I am going in life, is not where he’s going. I know the relationship is on it’s last leg, and feel as though we need to get our separate ways. Or at least live apart, since he seems to comfortable.
All I can say is these men need a wake up call. We are way to intelligent, to sit around and get walked all over. We are all well adapted to not settle, and allow fate to take it’s place. But it cannot start until you stop getting out of your rut. (I hope to take my own advice.)
I just wanted to update you on my situation. I posted a couple of months ago after stumbling onto this page (post 21). After posting, I decided to ask him why he didn’t want to marry me. He got defensive stating that he had always made it clear that he loved me and wanted to marry me.. so I rephrased the question and asked him why he hadn’t married me yet.
After thinking about it for a minute, he said, “I really dont have an answer for that, I dont know” Then the penny dropped! (I’m smiling as I’m typing this). It was the clearest moment of my life to date, a true moment of clarity. I cannot explain it, I felt hurt, yet I also felt like I had woken up from a coma. He broke down and admitted that he felt inadequate, that he was aware that he was not being the best he could be and how his lack of commitment made me unhappy blah, blah….I had stopped listening. It all made sense to me HE had a problem and not me and he had been dragging me down with him all this time!
He now wants to seek outside help in the form of a relationship councellor, its all bouncing right off me. I’ve decided to play along because I want us to remain friends since we are raising children together but I have made it clear that we will not be getting back together. I feel really excited and optimistic about my future now. I just want to be alone for a while and live life the way I’ve always dreamed of living it. I care for him a lot and want the best for him and I am trying to make it as painless as it can be for all of us but all I can think of is; finally… I am free.
I have been with my “Partner” for over 7 years and we have two children together. I fell pregnant when I was 17 after we had been going out for only 9 months. He kinda proposed to me(more of a mutual decision) when our son was 6 months old (He is now almost 6 years old). At the time I was given a 70 year old engagement ring which was from my great aunt. It broke about 4 years ago and we still have not gotten married. It’s been over 7 years now and still “NO RING”! We love each other very much and we we have the same goals. I will not leave him because we are in a good relationship, but being married really is important to me. I have asked him why and he gives me all the excuses under the sun! He went to put a new engagement ring on lay-by for me a few years back; but that ended up falling through! He seems to be lazy. I feel really hurt. I see so many people around me getting married and after 7 years and 2 children; I feel sad, hurt and embarrassed. I feel that he feels as though I wont leave him because of the kids. I feel like I am being stuffed around and he doesn’t really care about how I feel. It’s only been the last year or so that I have really felt this way. My family and friends keep asking him “Why haven’t you married her yet?” I really feel embarrassed, sad and pathetic… I don’t know if he will ever marry me! He always refers to me as his ‘Mrs” “Fiance” and “Wife” - I hate bringing it up with him because I don’t want to come across as nagging him!
I know guys think we women are crazy when we have a great relationship going on and worry about “unimportant things” like marriage, but, hey guys, we don’t exactly want you to get married to us, we want you to want to get married. What hurts us is the lack of commitment you show with your attitude, it hurts us that you don’t want to demonstrate your love through a public ceremony. However, girls, let’s see the bright side through this experience I had: My first husband wanted to marry me since month one. Then he resulted to be a selfish SOB, and I realized a man so eager to marry doesn’t really understand the compromise it involves. I also realized that a man can marry you, willingly, and still that doesn’t prove he is committed. Now I live with my boyfriend and although I’d love him to marry me, the fact that he thinks it through shows he doesn’t see it as a game, he actually respects the institution of marriage. He demonstrates every day his love and commintment and most of all, I truly care about him, I love him deeply and I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum or leave him or insult him just because he doesn’t want to want to marry me. It makes me sad. That’s all.
Wow - I’m so glad I found this - I though I was the only one who’d been in this situation for so long. Been together since turning 19 years old during our second freshmen semester in college, now turning 33 and I’m still just a girlfriend. For years I understood we were too young, and felt it was okay… Then I got antsy around the 10 year mark, but he didn’t have a good job yet, so I was okay… Now he’s been working for 2.5 years, we both have decent jobs, he just bought a house… and still nothing. I get the whole, if I get married I’d marry you BS… I’m not ready… BS that everyone else seems to get.
What I don’t understand is, why bother saying that crap? That lingering, “someday” hope is what makes all this drag on for sooooooo long, and leads to the hurt. If marraig had never ben dangled in front of me like a carrot on a stcik as a “someday” inevitability, I probably wouldn’t care as much today. You can’t tell someone you’ll do somehting and then not do it and not have some resentment there. I mean, if they really meant it, pretty much everyone on this board would be married. If they say it just to keep us around, then why not marry us to keep us around if that’s what really matters? From what I can tell, even if I don’t want to admit it in my own life, these “men” like having a familiar female presence in their lives, and even like SOME of the ideas of marriage, which is why they will move in together, share bank accounts, bills and other responsibilities. They might actually like being with you… but they don’t care enough about you to “lock you down” and make a real, binding decision about the relationship. They want to leave it all up to the woman to make the decision about whether to stay - that way it’s not their fault if/when the woman leaves… and if she’s unhappy - hey, she should’ve left then, it’s not like he made her stay, right? She’s just a greedy b!tch looking for a ring and a meal-ticket in that case. (Over the past 50 years, our society has done wonders for discouraging men from marrying). Men are looking for the path of least effort/resistance. A girl who will live like a wife without the honor/respect/privilege that goes with actually being a wife is less work in their minds than the woman they actually respect enough to care that she’s respected by others (the attitude of most people is, again, that while the guy may be a “player”, irresponsible or lazy, it’s the woman’s fault for being in the relationship, for not “making” him marry her, and for not leaving if marriage is not forthcoming - guys get a pass, girls bear the blame).
Sorry, sore subject lately. Don’t see myself leaving because I love him more than I can ever imagine loving someone else… even tough it’s obviously not equally reciprocated. Also, if you leave a relationship to go find somone with the same marriage values as you, you’re looked at as seeking a ring, a white dress, as though you didn’t really care in the first place
here’s no winning after so much time has passed.