Q: Anonymous Asks:
I am struggling with the fact that I have been in three marriages. The first time, I married at 19 after dating this boy since 15. We lasted nine years before divorcing. I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Then I married a chiropractic colleague whose wife had died, leaving three boys without a mother. I later found out that he was a sociopath and abuser, and that his wife died at 48 from the intense stress of living with him. I lasted three years, she lasted 18. The third marriage I didn’t take too seriously. I married to help someone I loved (but didn’t need to marry) acquire his green card. He died of cancer before we could re-establish his work life. You would think I would give up by then. But I dated two different colleagues. One ended up revealing he had a two-year affair before filing for divorce (he was a divorce attorney), and that was why he could not attach to me. The other was temporarily separated from his wife and returned (a high school principal).
If that isn’t enough – the next “professional” I met was a co-worker (IT) who presented himself as unmarried. I found that he was married. Four months into the relationship, I learned that he had two little kids. He left her and moved in with me. But he decided that it was too costly to leave the marriage after her threats, and returned. I don’t recall “missing” a single nice guy along the way I didn’t recognize.
I equate my bad choices in men as a fact – most men are bad, especially when you’re in your 40s. I know I should have run away the minute I found the red flags. The problem is, if you are a hungry person, you might be tempted to eat food that is laced with poison.
What should an intelligent, attractive, 47-year-old professional female do to meet a compatible bachelor nowadays? I am getting of tired of wanting.
A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:
Dear Anonymous, thank you for revealing your relationship history and asking your question.
I would like to quote your question to point something out to you. You said: “I equate my bad choice in men as a fact – most men are bad …”
The quote from your question reveals that you believe approximately 50 percent of the population to be bad. Could that possibly be true? Could you really judge the whole half of humanity on your experience with five men? [read more…]
Q: Anonymous Asks:
I have been divorced for about 7 yrs. which seems like 14 since the last 7-8 yrs. we lived like 2 people sharing the same house. This was my 3rd marriage (1st husband died, 2nd 20 yrs. marriage and this last one 10yrs.), but one thing was different; I didn’t feel “alone” after he left. Most of my life I have been a “Care Giver” taking care of others: grandparents, parents, brothers, elderly neighbors, terminally ill patients, and everyone else that needed help…….everyone but me! This is the first time I have concentrated on my needs and what I want out of life. I wish I knew some of this 30 years ago (I’m now 60). My question is: most of my family (children & grandchildren) and friends keep trying to set me up with men. I work 2 jobs and do not have time for a relationship with anyone. They think I need a man to take care of me in my old age??? I’m working 2 jobs so I will be debt free before I retire (my ex maxed out the charge cards before he left). For the most part I am happy with my life. But nothing I say seems to get through to them. It’s not that I want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I have found that I am very picky about who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Am I wrong for being so picky this late in life? For workng so much? Note: I should be debt free within 2 more years if I keep working 2 jobs.
A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for asking your question.
The short answer is you get to choose how you live your life. And you are to be applauded for taking full responsibility for your retirement and taking care of yourself by having two jobs and being almost debt free, instead of falling victim to your ex’s bad behavior.
But…when people who love us unanimously yet independently give us the same feedback about our life and relationship choices, it would behoove us to listen. Why? Because most of us can’t see ourselves as clearly as our loved once and friends can. [read more…]
Q: Nancy asks:
Hi Rinatta. If you are feeling love for someone and it feels bad or painful (although in your heart you know its the right thing for yourself for the development of your being), how do you know you are progressing into the good? How do you know ‘work’ is getting done?
A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:
Dear Nancy, the answer is three-fold. First of all, how you know work is getting done is that the situation either becomes more of what you want or that you are happier and more at peace regardless of the situation.
Second, work does not get done by itself. You have to do the emotional work, or emotional growing, intentionally, or it does not get done. And you can use the relationship to help you do the work, to be your practice ground, and that is one of the things relationships are great for.
Third, in our culture people who want to feel good all the time, and run from pain and hard emotional work. On the other hand, we have a subset of people who believe that emotional work and relationships are only valid and worth having if there is pain. The reality of life is that not all pain is necessary, and that if you do indeed want to grow in a relationship or in a relational dimension, you don’t necessarily need to be in pain and it does not necessarily need to be hard all of the time. In fact, one way you know you are growing emotionally is that you are able to feel deeper joy more of the time.
I wonder if this is a dating situation you are asking about. If it is, know that you can feel love for someone and yet know that the person is not right for you, and if that is the case you may need to leave instead of suffering. Take a look at my Whom Are You Dating eCourse to learn to distinguish the right match from the person who is not right for you.
If you indeed want to do emotional “work” of growing and becoming more relational, more functional in a relationship and more open in love, lets talk about coaching, because work is best done with a good guide, and I can be a great guide for you.
Related Resources: Whom Are You Dating eCourse, Ongoing Love Coaching
