Ask Love Coach

Q: Anna asks:

We have been married for three years and this has gone on since. I never know when or for how long, he finally told me that his ex who he was for 8 yrs had them same "complaints” as he calls my concerns, he really doesn’t have a reason to offer me. When we are emotionally connected its great but for no apparent reason he leaves emotionally. I have tried discussing this with him, writing my feelings to offer to do anything to prevent this from happening again but I get no real answer We went to counseling tried 3 different ones trying to find one that wouldn’t come to the conclusion that he is an emotional cripple what can be done. I’ve been told my counselors that i need to accept this and not take it personally or leave the marriage because the pain is destroying me. Do you have any ideas for me.

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Anna, your husband leaves emotionally when the two of you get too close. Perhaps not too close for you - but for some reason too close for him. Don’t try to figure out what you can do to make him not go away. Short of keeping your distance at all times, nothing you do will make a difference.

Well, that is not exactly right. There are many things you can do to make this situation better, but nothing that you can naturally come up with will work. Being nicer,
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Q: Genoveve asks: 

Hi, Rinatta. How does the person who asks for time alone in a relationship make sure that they don’t start feeling insecure during their time out? I can see how questions such as “is my partner unhappy because I want this time to myself?” or ”is he/she going to leave me because I don’t want to be with her/him all the time?” can storm someone’s mind… In other words, how do I ask for and take time alone in a relationship, feel good about it, and help my partner feel good about it?

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Genoveve, the best, most healthy, relationships have plenty of together time and also plenty of alone time. However, most people don’t know this. Even if they feel the need for space from their loved one intuitively, they are not comfortable asking for and taking the alone time. Let me tell you, though, that a relationship without alone time will eventually disintegrate because of an accumulation of resentments because of lack of space from each other.

The steps to successfully taking alone time in a relationship are as follows:

1. Know you and your partner need time away from each other and start to talk about this with your partner.

2. When discussing time alone with your partner, emphasize how important the time together is for you and how taking time away from each other will make the time together even better.
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Q: Deanna asks:

I’ve been hurt and cheated on so many times, how do I get past that and let someone love me with me loving that someone back?

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Deanna, there is no easy answer to your question, but here is the truthful answer.

First, you need to figure out why you allowed into your life people who would cheat on you and hurt you. Not that it was your fault, but you need to understand why it happened, so that you can prevent it from happening again. I have an eclass I created just for this purpose that you can purchase at my websites – it’s called PatternTracker.

Then you need to learn what a healthy relationship looks like and what a healthy man looks like, so that you can stop putting up with people who can’t give you the love you want. You should learn about healthy relationships and healthy men even if you are already starting to be involved with someone new – you don’t want to get hurt yet again.  I also have created an eCourse to help people recognize what is healthy and find healthy people, and it’s available on my website – it’s called Whom Are You Dating.

Last, you need to let go of the hurt and pain from all of your past relationships, so that you can move unencumbered into the future. There is no course for this yet, but I can teach you how to let go of the past by working with you in individual coaching.

Even you, after being hurt and cheated on so many times, can have a healthy, happy, satisfying relationship. You just need to do some work to get there.

Q: Bett asks:

My two-year relationship with a man who is 15 years my senior has just ended. I have struggled for over a year with his inability to commit to me and his ongoing relationship with his ex-wife. Due to his having an affair throughout their 14 year marriage, he has developed a relationship with her that is based on dependence, guilt and obligation. He spends holidays, many family occasions, and some vacations with her and their college age children. It’s almost as if they are still married, yet he had this intimate relationship with me which the children and ex-wife were aware of. Was it unrealistic for me to expect that I was to be an important relationship in his life and to expect that he would respect my needs to be a priority? I was respectful of his relationship with his children, but the way it was set up was his ex-wife orchestrated the children’s lives and he just joined in as if they were still an intact family. I had many a sleepless night over this situation, until I could not stand to be the "other woman" any longer. Do you have any thoughts or experience with this type of relationship?

A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:

Bett, some people are
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