Am I Wrong for Being Picky?

in BreakUps & Divorce Q & A,Dating Q & A,Singles Q & A

Q: Anonymous Asks:

I have been divorced for about 7 yrs. which seems like 14 since the last 7-8 yrs. we lived like 2 people sharing the same house. This was my 3rd marriage (1st husband died, 2nd 20 yrs. marriage and this last one 10yrs.), but one thing was different; I didn’t feel “alone” after he left. Most of my life I have been a “Care Giver” taking care of others: grandparents, parents, brothers, elderly neighbors, terminally ill patients, and everyone else that needed help…….everyone but me! This is the first time I have concentrated on my needs and what I want out of life. I wish I knew some of this 30 years ago (I’m now 60). My question is: most of my family (children & grandchildren) and friends keep trying to set me up with men. I work 2 jobs and do not have time for a relationship with anyone. They think I need a man to take care of me in my old age??? I’m working 2 jobs so I will be debt free before I retire (my ex maxed out the charge cards before he left). For the most part I am happy with my life. But nothing I say seems to get through to them. It’s not that I want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I have found that I am very picky about who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Am I wrong for being so picky this late in life? For workng so much? Note: I should be debt free within 2 more years if I keep working 2 jobs.

A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for asking your question.

The short answer is you get to choose how you live your life. And you are to be applauded for taking full responsibility for your retirement and taking care of yourself by having two jobs and being almost debt free, instead of falling victim to your ex’s bad behavior.

But…when people who love us unanimously yet independently give us the same feedback about our life and relationship choices, it would behoove us to listen. Why? Because most of us can’t see ourselves as clearly as our loved once and friends can.

Perhaps they are not exactly articulating what they are seeing. Perhaps they don’t mean that you need to find a man to take care of you in your old age. After all, you are taking care of yourself just fine and will probably continue to be just fine in terms of being taken care of. I am going to venture a guess that what they are actually seeing is that you have closed off to men and relationships, and with that have perhaps locked up a part of yourself that they wish would come back. And who could blame you, after three long marriages, all of which ended in pain, one might say you have had enough heartbreak to last you a lifetime.

Yet, what is the price of blocking off men and the possibility of love? Your family is seeing some sort of price you are paying, which is why they are bugging you about it. Are you sure this is the price you want to pay?

Finally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being picky and wanting what you want from a man and from a relationship. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that you have decided that the kind of man you want does not exist or won’t be interested in you, and so you have resigned yourself to being busy and focusing on other things. Or perhaps you have decided that all men are cheaters, liars, users or will die on you?

If you were to get into a relationship again, and if you were to find the relationship of great benefit to your life, what kind of a man would the relationship have to be with, do you know?

If you don’t, you may want to get an ecourse I created for people who want to clarify who they need to have as a relationship partner, title Who Do You Need.

You still get to have love, if you can allow it, even at this “late” stage of the game of life. You could be around for another 30 or 40 years, do you really want to be single through the best years of your life?

Somewhere out there, perhaps around the corner is a great man looking for a woman just like you. Figure out whom he has to be in order to deeply contribute to your life and than be open to meeting him and see what happens.

Related Resources: Who Do You Need ecourse, Ongoing Love Coaching

From the Heart,
Love Coach Rinatta

Ready to ask your question? Click here to ask me!

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

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deep December 18, 2011 at 9:13 am

we were perfect couple when we were in same city.then i had to go another place for higher studied ,,,,we had sex ,,,but because of communication gape we started lots of understanding ,,,lots of fights and then we brokeup..1 day he calld me and said u dont have time for me,u r tottaly chaned and abused me alot i sait u dont have any work ,,but i hv ,,u go and do ur own job than only u get to knw how much busy i m with my MBA i was in lots of pain he removed all the contect with me,,and gone delhi for his job ,,,i missed him alot ,,and try to find him ….but didnt get anythng,,,,,he was not committed with me for marrige because of some family problem,,but still i love him,,,,,1 day i calld him n said ,,atleast dont misunderstand me,,,,ve cleard all the misunderstanding ,,,,,,n filly v start talking again…1 day he aproach me for sex…i m still love with him,,,ve met and v had sex againg,,,i felt i got him again but thing was not going as before ,,i came to my collage lyf,,i start callling him but he didnt pick my call,,when he wants talk with me he calls me,,i m fed up with this conditions ,,finally i told him not contect with me in such way….what to do?

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Cindy October 14, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Oh… To have such problems as “friends and family trying to help You as you said !! Be Thankful for that… Most of us single women out here are struggling to find the right person to be with without out ANY help other than computer dating web sites…!! Wish I was in your situation…although I’m fussy too… you can let them know your likes and deal breakers….

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tam July 28, 2011 at 4:18 am

hai…

iam about to get married u know we have nearly four month for marriage but we

spoke evrything about sex and thru skype w exposed out parts is it wrong ? and iam having a thgt that he will hate me r will it get bored to expose before marrigg

r is it wrong?

iam having a guilty thgth that i did something wrong in mylife ia dont knowwhat ot do for that will you tell me a suggetions what am i to do ? plz help i have feeling thathe hate me anddont have a longing as he had first

Reply

Love Coach Rinatta August 2, 2011 at 10:00 am

Tam, to ask your question you will need to submit it on the ask question page.

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christine April 22, 2011 at 3:01 pm

hi. i am borking heart so i need to help my love

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Yvette Francino October 23, 2010 at 5:36 am

Great advice, Rinatta. At age 50, I am 10 years younger, yet still sometimes wonder whether I really want to get in another relationship. I’m independent and I’ve grown to enjoy that independence in many ways. I certainly do not want to settle for someone just because I don’t want to be lonely or alone in old age. But, I agree with all your points about remaining open to possibilities.
.-= Yvette Francino´s last blog ..Are you in Limerence More about romantic love =-.

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Gigi August 29, 2010 at 4:37 pm

This is late advice but I’m also the same age and feel that I’m picky (translate: intelligent only need apply.) I won’t “settle” for bores, jerks or lying idiots who have an agenda for me, no matter how ‘desperate’ others think we older wonderful women are! The key is to be happy, honest and peaceful and if that brings a mate into your life, all the better!

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Eva December 21, 2008 at 5:02 am

I’m sorry… for “eavesdropping”, but find myself in this situation. I was married for 20 years (divorced 12 years ago, now) and I’ve been in two (one great… one not so great) relationships. I look back and I’ve learned alot about what these men have taught me: (1) confidence/strength, Sexuality and Sensuousness, and the last… I’m not sure what I learned from him, except that I can have a relationship and expect nothing in return(?)… and, walk away.
However, my friends and family thin I should be in a relationship so that someone will take care of me. (I tend to be quite independent)…, But, do I need someone to take care of me… (1) to free up my time so I can spend time with friends and family (2) or, do I really need someone to take care of me? The latter is not the issue. I believe my time is wanted elsewhere…..

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