Q: Genoveve asks:
Hi, Rinatta. How does the person who asks for time alone in a relationship make sure that they don’t start feeling insecure during their time out? I can see how questions such as “is my partner unhappy because I want this time to myself?” or ”is he/she going to leave me because I don’t want to be with her/him all the time?” can storm someone’s mind… In other words, how do I ask for and take time alone in a relationship, feel good about it, and help my partner feel good about it?
A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:
Genoveve, the best, most healthy, relationships have plenty of together time and also plenty of alone time. However, most people don’t know this. Even if they feel the need for space from their loved one intuitively, they are not comfortable asking for and taking the alone time. Let me tell you, though, that a relationship without alone time will eventually disintegrate because of an accumulation of resentments because of lack of space from each other.
The steps to successfully taking alone time in a relationship are as follows:
1. Know you and your partner need time away from each other and start to talk about this with your partner.
2. When discussing time alone with your partner, emphasize how important the time together is for you and how taking time away from each other will make the time together even better.
3. Let your partner know that when you are away, you will genuinely miss him or her, but will need to focus on yourself. Encourage him or her to do the same.
4. If possible, establish regular time alone. Say every Wednesday night from 6 to 9 pm, or every Saturday night at your house as opposed to at his place.
5. If your partner resists or can’t get over your need for time and space alone, keep talking about why it’s important to you and the relationship, and get him or her to read this blog. Ask your partner to talk about why it’s hard for him or her to accept space and time away from you.
To help you communicate successfully with your partner, get the Essential Communication Course for Couples and the Increase Intimacy in Your Relationship eCourses. These will help you overcome difficult communication blocks that otherwise make people stop communicating with each other.
6. When taking time away from your partner, keep self-doubt and fear of whether you are doing the right thing at bay. Remind yourself that you and the relationship will be better off rather than worst off for you taking alone time. When the angst comes, know that it will pass and keep refocusing your attention on the tasks at hand.
7. If your partner absolutely refuses to give you alone time, it’s time for relationship intervention, as this will lead to serious problems down the road. For example, the person who is now refusing to give you alone time will be spending more time away from you in the not too distant future so as to get some alone time, as everyone needs alone time in a relationship and will take it regardless of his or her views on it.
If you need help, email me and let’s see how I can help you.
From the Heart,
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I agree with Rinatta. I have found, from personal experience, that not having alone time is detrimental to a relationship.
But, how much time?? If it is months then …is it fair to ur partner?
Communicating one’s need to be alone is vital as long as this is done respectfully. Your partner should not feel paranoid about your request if you communicate your needs appropriately!
I have recently talked to my bf about this as I have been going through depression and he has his own problems to deal with and he was stressing a lot. He asked me if we could have some more time to ourselves but reassured me that he still loved me and that he doesnt want to leave me but that we both have to stress less, and sort out what is going on with us. Im not sure how to feel because I feel like i am loosing him and that this is just a road to a slower break up. At the same time I love him so much and I want to be with him and for things to work out between us so maybe this time alone is what we need. He said we would still see each other and talk but less frequently so i just dont understand how this is going to work out or be different. Im just very confused.
Coming from the point of being the person who needs the alone time, and having a hard time having my partner understand why, yet be secure in us. I know that if I am not granted time to self, eventually, I will take it, apart from them indefinitely. For some, alone time is just a necessary part of replenishing. Like the cup gets too empty to keep giving, and the alone time replenishes it. I absolutely love my partner, and desire to spend the rest of my life together, but I have a basic need for alone time. Yet my partner struggles. It’s very hard.
I’d have to agree with Rinatta. Couples need alone time. You can’t spend one hundred percent of the time together or you’ll start resent each other.
I’m there. I need my personal space and alone time, but my live-in boyfriend does not understand this. It’s gotten to the point where he feels like I’m ignoring him if I am reading the paper or a magazine, if I’m checking my email in the other room, or even if I fall asleep! He wants to be together and do things together all of the time. But I have many of my own interests and things I would like to persue. We’ve been together for about 9 months and unless he begins to lighten up, I’m not sure if I can make this relationship work.
In my case taking time off in a relationship is not in the best interest for the other person simply because you want time for your self and trust me in a serious relationship can be hard on your partner because for a while its bin “US”and “WE” now your asking your partner to do the opposite like me my girlfriend has asked for it and it has never worked out for me at all we both were into parting and drinking and just having a wild time and fooled around a lot we changed our lives around and I’m scared she might start liking her old life style again.I TRUST her but just paranoid because of my past experiences Ive always had long lasting relationships but when they have asked for this i get my hopes up they might stay but they never do people say let her go and if it was meant to be she will be back, wut if it was meant to be but i let her slip im scared i might loose the love of my life we’ve bin together for 2 yrs i was planing on proposing on may how do i do dat whyle im second guesing myself and her plz need advise!! a desperate Man
I agree with all these posts, however, maybe some people just require more alone time than other people do. We are all different. There are some people who just dont cope with being alone at all and will do anything to avoid it.
I think when you first get into a relationship that you should point these things out to the other person, so they know that despite spending lots of time together, which is natural at the start anyway, that you are a person who requires a lot of space from time to time, and that you desire them and encourage them to have hobbies and lives of their own to continue with. Discuss balance with each other.
In my case, I have been explaining this about myself since the beginning of the relationship, and it hasn’t got me anywhere, to the point of exasperation. My partner works a job where he only works 4 days of shift, then has six or nine days off in between, as well as earning a fantastic salary for such. Lucky ay??
Whilst I benefit some from his salary, the lifestyle it brings is exasperating mostly, cause he is always at home, and I never have any time to myself, he has a daughter, whom he hardly sees, (lives in the same town), but always has excuses as to why he doesn’t take time out to go do stuff with her. Soon we will have another vehicle, so it will be interesting to see excuses popping up when that comes about.
I am one that is having a problem in my relationship right now concerning ALONE TIME. I live in another country all together from my girl friend. She at times do not respond to me in anyway, Why because she claims she needs to be Alone and do not want to be Bothered.
In a situation like this, should I worry and be ok with her wanting that Alone time or is it more to that. Please someone respond to me. than You.
I am one that is having a problem in my relationship right now concerning ALONE TIME. I live in another country all together from my girl friend. She at times do not respond to me in anyway, Why because she claims she needs to be Alone and do not want to be Bothered.
In a situation like this, should I worry and be ok with her wanting that Alone time or is it more to that. Please someone respond to me. than k You.
Me and my bf are in alone time right now. We both decided that we need some space and time. We dont live together, we only sees each other every weekend but we have frequent calls and spend time when friday night comes til sunday evening. Do we really need this kind of alone time and how long does it take being alone time? we even didnt discussed the parameters of havingthis alone time. pls advise