Q: Genoveve asks:
Hi, Rinatta. How does the person who asks for time alone in a relationship make sure that they don’t start feeling insecure during their time out? I can see how questions such as “is my partner unhappy because I want this time to myself?” or ”is he/she going to leave me because I don’t want to be with her/him all the time?” can storm someone’s mind… In other words, how do I ask for and take time alone in a relationship, feel good about it, and help my partner feel good about it?
A: Love Coach Rinatta Paries answers:
Genoveve, the best, most healthy, relationships have plenty of together time and also plenty of alone time. However, most people don’t know this. Even if they feel the need for space from their loved one intuitively, they are not comfortable asking for and taking the alone time. Let me tell you, though, that a relationship without alone time will eventually disintegrate because of an accumulation of resentments because of lack of space from each other.
The steps to successfully taking alone time in a relationship are as follows:
1. Know you and your partner need time away from each other and start to talk about this with your partner.
2. When discussing time alone with your partner, emphasize how important the time together is for you and how taking time away from each other will make the time together even better.
3. Let your partner know that when you are away, you will genuinely miss him or her, but will need to focus on yourself. Encourage him or her to do the same.
4. If possible, establish regular time alone. Say every Wednesday night from 6 to 9 pm, or every Saturday night at your house as opposed to at his place.
5. If your partner resists or can’t get over your need for time and space alone, keep talking about why it’s important to you and the relationship, and get him or her to read this blog. Ask your partner to talk about why it’s hard for him or her to accept space and time away from you.
To help you communicate successfully with your partner, get the Essential Communication Course for Couples and the Increase Intimacy in Your Relationship eCourses. These will help you overcome difficult communication blocks that otherwise make people stop communicating with each other.
6. When taking time away from your partner, keep self-doubt and fear of whether you are doing the right thing at bay. Remind yourself that you and the relationship will be better off rather than worst off for you taking alone time. When the angst comes, know that it will pass and keep refocusing your attention on the tasks at hand.
7. If your partner absolutely refuses to give you alone time, it’s time for relationship intervention, as this will lead to serious problems down the road. For example, the person who is now refusing to give you alone time will be spending more time away from you in the not too distant future so as to get some alone time, as everyone needs alone time in a relationship and will take it regardless of his or her views on it.
If you need help, email me and let’s see how I can help you.
From the Heart,
Ready to ask your question? Click here to ask me!
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
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Yeah thats nice.but me and my boyfriend are facing a much tougher situation.
We had a baby aborted because we are both in college and we couldnt raise it.now it has taken a huge impact on us.my bf is all confused,he cant forgive himself.he is unsure whether we should go on with the relationship.he has asked for time alone and thats what im trying to do.i dont want to lose him thou.im confused.
Hi, I just wanted to know how to spend time apart without hurting my boyfriend. We literally spend every night of the week together, except for one night, and he says in his time of need, I am not supporting him. I reassure him that I am always here emotionally, but he takes this as a lack of support. I do not know what to say. I don’t want to hurt him, but we do not communicate as much as we should, and I think time apart would give us the opportunity to communicate through talking on the phone. I offer to spend the night with him, just not stay overnight and he gets mad. Please help.
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Everything here is written as a fact, when strictly it is not always true.
After researching about various studies that have been conducted by university students, it is in fact more common that telling your loved one that “you need time alone” from them causes bigger problems and will 99/100 be seen as insulting to the partner. If they don’t feel the same way, they will question the relationship and will resent the fact that they are not able to see the partner they are devoted to.
When people work, are studying or have other life commitments, they will have space from their partner.
Telling your partner that you don’t want to spend Saturday nights with them is very unlikely to end well.
Surely there is something not right in a relationship if you feel the need to be away from the one person who should be truly special in your life.
Surely if the relationship is right and you feel comfortable enough, your alone time could in fact be time together.
Look at many older couples, often the closest of people, they spend all their time together, and depend on each other. They have the most successful relationships
I came across this website and I’m a tough emotional spot. There is a lot of history between me and my boyfriend of a rocky 5 years. We survived through acts of being unfaithful. He realized he didn’t know just how important I was till’ he lost me… how original huh? Well we made plans to have a child and he would go to the military…I ended up having twins and couldn’t stand the thought of being alone with my two children and him risking his life. So we are working at a fast food restaurant and recently (babies are 3 months) I saw a school advertising for pharmacy tech classes. While he of course would need to help financial wise (i work 2 days a week and call of most of the times due to him going out or other issues) he stated that he didn’t believe in me because I never kept my commitments before. (Workouts/diets) He had a bad day and I was out of town visiting with family. He text me how sad and depressed he was and how things need to change ( jobs, little things). He wanted alone time but I told him I would be coming home. When I got there he was gone. I called him and informed him that i was home. He said he went to the park and that he would be heading to his best friend’s house that he needed someone to talk to. * For the record, he has been spending 2-3 days a week out this past month and we just had our kids. I feel hurt. When he comes home he is tired and with the babies we don’t have time to do things like we use to, I totally understand that. But he could try more! I try my best to meet his needs. So now it escalated to leave, don’t leave, long space, should I make myself more emotionally numb? Like these things hurt to where it’s like why should I wait till u want to be happy? Selfish and stubborn I guess… any advice?
I do not believe what you are asking for is to much. He should be more supportive and understanding. Just keep on trying.
HI, I think I am going through the same situation of everyone here… I have been dating this guys for 5 months.. he has some problems with depression and anxiety. A few days ago I told him that I was feeling that he was very disconnected, distant.. I express how I was feeling.. and all of the sudden.. He sent me an email saying that he needs time alone.. then he calls me 2 days after saying that if I have been thinking what is going to happen between both of us… I don’t understand, I didn’t ask for time alone. He did. Am I missing something here?
I am puzzled as to why my girlfriend of 4 months would want time away after we had a ” difference of opinion ” just a couple of weeks ago. I am trying and doing my bets to be in her good books .
I am guessing that it- ( the time away from each other ) will be at least one week and probably longer . I will also add that we live 5 hours apart and I would go to see her approx. every 15 days.
Any comments are welcome.
She said that she does not want us to expire as a couple.
It is living hell without her , as we used to talk 3 to 4 times a day.
Steve
I have been with my boyfriend almost four years I realized we argue often he started jealous not like he like that before. He’s worried some men win my heart I told him stop worry …I decided I need space time alone…..he can’t live without me :/ help explain pls?
Marta, thanks for asking your question. I don’t answer questions posted in comments. Sorry about that. Please use the “Click here to ask me!” red box above. Thanks!
Salma,
I understand your pain. It must feel terrible to split up when one loves the other so much. However, all I can say is: En el corazón nadie manda. If your husband has told you that he does not want to continue, well, then learn to respect his decision and get a life of your own. If you let him breathe, he may reconsider…or not. Just live YOUR life. You might want to google the term ‘Codependencia’.
I wish you the best of lucks.
AY CARAMBA!!!
hola mi esposo y yo hemos dsidido separarnos pero yo no quiero me reuso por que siento que lo pierdo pero tambien se que si m e quedo esto sera muchisimo peor y la verdad noq uiero perderlo el me dice que ya no quiere estar conmigo porque lo he absorbido demasiado me siento muy frustrada muy mal la verdad no se que hacer, me siento muy triste porque creo que me fanatize demasiado con el y ahorita el esta practicamente afixiado de mi
si solo queria hacer lo contrario ayudarlo.
HELLO I HAVE ALOT OF CONCERNS ABOUT MY PARTNER I FEEL THAT AM NOT HAPPY IN MY RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE HE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR ME IN HIS LIFE AND I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE AND AM NOT WILLING TO TRY AND WORK IT OUT I MESS UP HIS CHANCE OF BEING WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE GOT CAUGHT LYING TO ME ABOUT THIS PERSON HE WAS MESSY WITH ON THE JOB SO WE SEPERATED FOR ABOUT 2 1/2 MONTHS AND WEGOT BACK TOGETHER WE HAVE 3 KIDS TOGETHER AND WE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 18 YEARS AND I SEE NO POINT IN SALVAGING THIS RELATIONSHIP WE BOTH WORK I WORK DURING THE DAY AND HE WORKS NITES I EVEN GO TO SCHOOL MON.-WED AND ONLY TIME WE HAVE TOGETHER IS THE WEEKEND AND WE DON’T SPEND IT TOGETHER HE SPENDS IT WITH HIS FRIENDS IN THE PARK ITS LIKE HE HATES BEING HOME WITH ME.SO I GIVE UP I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE EVEN MY KIDS THINK THEIR DAD DON’T CARE SO I THINK IT’S BEST THAT WE PART HELP WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Hi coach, ive been seeing a divorced woman with two kids for three and a half years. Im 33 and have no kids. This lady has bipolar and is a alcoholic. She’s on medication. When i first met her, i told her this relationship wouldn’t work due to the kids etc… But she insisted so we got together. She lives alone with her kids and for the past year ive been living alone. The first couple of years our relationship was great, she told me when i was building my house to not change. I.e, keep going over and spending time with the kids. Well to be honest, i haven’t been doing that. I know its wrong. The last 6 months though we have been drifting apart. We see each other every second weekend and every wednesday, when she doesn’t have the kids. Lately, those meetings have been stopping. She has been cancelling our wednesdays lately and our weekends have been cut short for some reason or another. Usually to do with the kids. She told me recently though the reason she was cancelling our wednesdays is because she was going to alcohol anonymous. She is an alcoholic combined with hard medication. She lied to me at the time and i wasn’t happy about it. She has noticed i have gone cold lately, but the truth is i want to be with her how it used to be. But im not happy about the way she has gone about it. Im not perfect thats for sure. She doesn’t talk to me to tell me whats going on, so i start making assumptions which leads to arguments. I have stressed to her to talk to me, to not cut me off. In short, we have been having a few problems lately and recently she has gone sober and seeing a pscychologist. I mentioned to her that maybe she needs time off from us to be with her kids, and she really didn’t answer that. We continued to talk though like nothing happened over the last couple of days like normal. Still talking about how much she loves me, im her husband where we should go for holidays together etc… Then last night, she text me saying she needs time apart to be with the kids. I tried calling her and she wouldn’t answer the phone. She left a single bed at my house so i returned it in the morning without her knowing. I don’t know what to think at the moment, but i can only control my actions. I am shocked and upset. I’ve decided to leave her alone completely because it seems thats what she wants. Can you give me advice?
I’m not sure if people are still reading and/or responding to the post. I’ve been dating a recovering alcholic for 9 months. I have BP 1 disorder. He has and 8 year old and I have a six year old. He officially lives with his mom but about 2 months into the relationship started staying over at my place all the time. His daughter would also stay at my place on his weekends. Overall it had been very fun, but a lot of things have been going on and I became very frustrated. i.e. he doesn’t have his driver’s license and I drive him everywhere and he just always assumes I am available to take him to pick up and drop off his daughter. I make more money then him so I pay for the groceries, gas, etc. and he rarely if ever contributes.
We had a rough weekend and were barely talking to each other. He started packing up his laptop which he never does and I said do you want to go now and he said yes so I took him home and left him to figure out how his daughter was getting home. We didn’t talk that night and we always see or talk to each other every day. I met with my counselor the next day and she said he might just need a break and that if I felt like calling him call him that their were no rules.
I did call him and that’s what he said, I need a break. I’m a planner so I said for how long and he didn’t know. We’ve talked to each other 1-2 times a day all week but I couldn’t take the just talking about our day anymore. I called him and said I was confused, frustrated, that I missed him etc. and I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on. He said he loved me and that he didn’t want to break up. He said he was very hurt and needed time to process things and he couldn’t give me a timeframe but that he was sure his daughter would want to see my son so probably we would see each other this weekend. So he’s not sure he’s ready but he’s going to let his daughter dictate if we see each other or not. That confuses me even more.
I have abandonment issues. My ex left me after I had a bad manic attack from bipolar. I was with him 20 years and this is the first serious relationship I’ve had since then. I’ve never experienced this take a break thing. I don’t like it, but I’m also scared that every time we have problems he’s going to run away or not be there for me if I have an episode with my illness. He assured me on the phone he loves me, doesn’t want to break up and will be there for me. I feel very leary and not trustworthy right now.
What should I do now? Break up with him? Limit the amount of time we spend together i.e. ease back into the relationship. Go back to where and what we were? (Very leary of that option now)
I loved this article. I’m back with my high school sweetheart after graduating college. N after a not so healthy relationship first time around we decided to maintain the health of this one n keep it lastin. . One of the ways we r doing this is having and appreciating alone time. We are also in a long distance relationship he is in iowa I’m in tx but we learned that we don’t need to b on the phone all day everyday to prove our love. He knows me n I know him so when he is playing his videogames, or I’m watching my desperate housewives or we r hanging out with friends n family we leave each other alone. Anyway it took us a while n many conversatioons to get to this n we r still working at it. But it doable and so rewarding.
Great topic. And one that needs more publicity. Well said Rinatta!
I just recently got into a relationship and now I don’t want to spend time with him as much. Now I don’t know what to do? I do like him, but well I just hate spending alot of time with him. He is a truck driver and I get very excited about him leaving and not coming home. but then I really enjoy the time we are togather, so what is wrong with me. Today I have felt very depressed about it all.
I don’t know maybe it is just me or something like that. who knows.
please email me and let me know what to do about it.
I have been with the love of my life for almost 2 years. We are both in our 40′s and our previous relationships lasted over 20 years. The relationship is AMAZING everything I could ever want or need….. when we are together! He loves his alone time! The first 3 months was a whirlwind romance, together every available moment. When he first started to take his time for himself I admit that I became insecure, fearful, doubtful of his feelings for me. I never said anything for about a year, I just got more upset as time went by, big mistake. When I finally talked with him he saw an emotional side of me that he had never seen before. I really pushed him and tried to insist we spend more time together. (We spent maybe 2 or 3 days together a week but talked every day and sent loving texts often.) Ha, he stopped all communication with me for 2.5 months. In that time I contacted him 6 times. 2 texts 2 emails and 2 phone calls. He did send me an email with pictures from a Motley Crue concert we had gone to and replied on a several of my facebook threads. I think that was his way to reassure me? Never once said that it was over. Now we have been back together over 2 months and I have completely accepted his need, I also share that need. I enjoy my time and space just not a week at a time like him. We just finished spending 3 fabulous weeks together, now he is on his 5th day alone.The first couple days no contact, then he text me, quick text back then a couple days later he called. I just let him be. He loves to spend time with his sister, works out, is a single father, has beers at the bar, I trust him 100% that is not even a question. I feel completely confident and very much loved by him. I keep my life busy, make plans do my hobbies, never waiting for the phone to ring. I know he will be calling and yes “Absence makes the heart grow fonder!” He will say Baby I love you, I have missed you!
Hi, M. Andersen. I’m not a love coach, but I think I can help you a little.
Don’t be afraid of anything. People’s requests for alone time should be respected as it is a deep need they have. I’m telling you from my experience. I was married a long time ago, and one of the things that broke my marriage was my husband’s inability to respect my need for space and time. Everytime I wanted to be alone he took it as lack of love from me to him and never understood that it was something I needed, because that’s my personality. So it got to a point where he complained and complained and invaded my time so often because of his fears, that I ended up feeling stressed out and disliking his presence. That destroyed the love I had for him little by little. Give your boyfriend the time he needs…think about HIM, love him really, let him be what he wants to be, and you’ll see that when he wants to be with you, it’ll be beautiful.
Nevertheless, if you are not like that and cannot stand having a relationship in those terms, maybe you should rethink the whole thing and find a way to fulfill YOUR needs.
I hope it’s been of some help.
Dear love coach, I am so confused I feel like I am going crazy about my BF wanting time alone its been 2 days without communication. We talked the other night as he has been grouchy and make a long story short he told me he needs time alone. I don’t understand why he wants this he told me that it’s about his ex wife and custody battle he is having. I told him I feel it’s a cop out to ending our relationship. He told me if he didn’t want to be with me he would tell me that. I asked him how long he wants as his time frame might be different from mine and he couldn’t give a time frame. We been dating 7 wonderful months and I was wondering what I should do..can you please help me. Can you give me a time frame which would be reasonable to wait or should I wait at all. I am getting angry as the days go on and wondering if our relationship was anything to him like he says it is. How can you just drop out of someones life that you say you love.
Kindest regards,
Me and my bf are in alone time right now. We both decided that we need some space and time. We dont live together, we only sees each other every weekend but we have frequent calls and spend time when friday night comes til sunday evening. Do we really need this kind of alone time and how long does it take being alone time? we even didnt discussed the parameters of havingthis alone time. pls advise
I am one that is having a problem in my relationship right now concerning ALONE TIME. I live in another country all together from my girl friend. She at times do not respond to me in anyway, Why because she claims she needs to be Alone and do not want to be Bothered.
In a situation like this, should I worry and be ok with her wanting that Alone time or is it more to that. Please someone respond to me. than k You.
I am one that is having a problem in my relationship right now concerning ALONE TIME. I live in another country all together from my girl friend. She at times do not respond to me in anyway, Why because she claims she needs to be Alone and do not want to be Bothered.
In a situation like this, should I worry and be ok with her wanting that Alone time or is it more to that. Please someone respond to me. than You.
I agree with all these posts, however, maybe some people just require more alone time than other people do. We are all different. There are some people who just dont cope with being alone at all and will do anything to avoid it.
I think when you first get into a relationship that you should point these things out to the other person, so they know that despite spending lots of time together, which is natural at the start anyway, that you are a person who requires a lot of space from time to time, and that you desire them and encourage them to have hobbies and lives of their own to continue with. Discuss balance with each other.
In my case, I have been explaining this about myself since the beginning of the relationship, and it hasn’t got me anywhere, to the point of exasperation. My partner works a job where he only works 4 days of shift, then has six or nine days off in between, as well as earning a fantastic salary for such. Lucky ay??
Whilst I benefit some from his salary, the lifestyle it brings is exasperating mostly, cause he is always at home, and I never have any time to myself, he has a daughter, whom he hardly sees, (lives in the same town), but always has excuses as to why he doesn’t take time out to go do stuff with her. Soon we will have another vehicle, so it will be interesting to see excuses popping up when that comes about.
In my case taking time off in a relationship is not in the best interest for the other person simply because you want time for your self and trust me in a serious relationship can be hard on your partner because for a while its bin “US”and “WE” now your asking your partner to do the opposite like me my girlfriend has asked for it and it has never worked out for me at all we both were into parting and drinking and just having a wild time and fooled around a lot we changed our lives around and I’m scared she might start liking her old life style again.I TRUST her but just paranoid because of my past experiences Ive always had long lasting relationships but when they have asked for this i get my hopes up they might stay but they never do people say let her go and if it was meant to be she will be back, wut if it was meant to be but i let her slip im scared i might loose the love of my life we’ve bin together for 2 yrs i was planing on proposing on may how do i do dat whyle im second guesing myself and her plz need advise!! a desperate Man
I’m there. I need my personal space and alone time, but my live-in boyfriend does not understand this. It’s gotten to the point where he feels like I’m ignoring him if I am reading the paper or a magazine, if I’m checking my email in the other room, or even if I fall asleep! He wants to be together and do things together all of the time. But I have many of my own interests and things I would like to persue. We’ve been together for about 9 months and unless he begins to lighten up, I’m not sure if I can make this relationship work.
I’d have to agree with Rinatta. Couples need alone time. You can’t spend one hundred percent of the time together or you’ll start resent each other.
Coming from the point of being the person who needs the alone time, and having a hard time having my partner understand why, yet be secure in us. I know that if I am not granted time to self, eventually, I will take it, apart from them indefinitely. For some, alone time is just a necessary part of replenishing. Like the cup gets too empty to keep giving, and the alone time replenishes it. I absolutely love my partner, and desire to spend the rest of my life together, but I have a basic need for alone time. Yet my partner struggles. It’s very hard.
I have recently talked to my bf about this as I have been going through depression and he has his own problems to deal with and he was stressing a lot. He asked me if we could have some more time to ourselves but reassured me that he still loved me and that he doesnt want to leave me but that we both have to stress less, and sort out what is going on with us. Im not sure how to feel because I feel like i am loosing him and that this is just a road to a slower break up. At the same time I love him so much and I want to be with him and for things to work out between us so maybe this time alone is what we need. He said we would still see each other and talk but less frequently so i just dont understand how this is going to work out or be different. Im just very confused.
Communicating one’s need to be alone is vital as long as this is done respectfully. Your partner should not feel paranoid about your request if you communicate your needs appropriately!
But, how much time?? If it is months then …is it fair to ur partner?
I agree with Rinatta. I have found, from personal experience, that not having alone time is detrimental to a relationship.
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